The Shocking Reason You Keep Returning to Toxic Relationships (And How Trauma Therapy Can Save You!)
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Let’s understand why…
Have you ever wondered, “Why do I keep going back to toxic relationships?” I know that feeling all too well, like being trapped on a roller coaster of pain and hope. Even when you’re successful at work, hidden wounds can make it hard to choose healthy love. In my work with high-achieving clients, I’ve seen how complex trauma often lies beneath the surface. In my intensive sessions, I help professionals look at these hidden patterns and create meaningful, real lasting change. Today, I’m excited to share research-backed insights and actionable tips on breaking this cycle through online trauma therapy.
Learn more about me by clicking here or learn more about my services by clicking here.
Why Do I Keep Going Back to Toxic Relationships?
What Is Trauma Bonding and How Does It Work?
Trauma bonding occurs when you form a deep, unhealthy connection with someone who hurts you. Imagine riding a roller coaster that’s both scary and oddly comforting, you keep coming back even though you know the ride hurts.
Trauma bonding is the emotional glue that keeps you attached to someone who repeatedly harms you, creating a confusing mix of pain and hope.
How does IFS therapy help heal trauma?
When you find yourself drawn back to a toxic relationship, even after hurtful experiences, there’s often an internal struggle happening beneath the surface. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we explore these different “parts” of you, because the pull you feel isn’t just about the relationship, it’s about something deeper.
Actionable Step: Start a journal, but instead of just tracking events, try this:
Pause & Notice – When you feel unusually attached, ask yourself: What part of me is feeling this pull? Does it feel like a younger version of me who is afraid of being alone? A part that believes love must be earned?
Write it Down – Describe the moment: What happened? What did that part of you believe in that moment? Was it seeking comfort, safety, or approval?
Get Curious, Not Judgmental – Instead of criticizing yourself for returning to this pattern, approach these parts with compassion. “Of course, this part of me wants connection. It makes sense.”
What this looks like in therapy with me: Together, we slow things down and gently explore these parts of you, not to judge them, but to help them feel seen, heard, and ultimately healed.
If you are looking for deep, transformational work like I just outlined you should schedule your FREE 15-minute consult with me to see if I could be the right therapist for you. I offer virtual trauma therapy in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and across Pennsylvania. This is the work I am passionate about!
Could Hidden Emotional Wounds Be the Reason?
Sometimes, old emotional wounds make you think pain is normal. You might unknowingly repeat patterns because you’re trying to fill a void left by past hurts. For example,
A close friend kept returning to a partner who mistreated her because she believed, deep down, she didn’t deserve better.
Meeting the part of you that feels unworthy through IFS therapy:
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, Do I even deserve real love?, that’s not your whole truth, it’s a part of you speaking. In IFS therapy, we explore these parts with curiosity, not judgment.
Try This:
When that thought shows up, pause and ask:
What part of me believes I’m unworthy of love?
When did this part first show up?
What is it afraid will happen if I believe I deserve better?
This part isn’t the enemy, it’s likely protecting you from past hurt. In therapy, we help these parts feel seen and supported, so they no longer have to run the show.
What this looks like in therapy with me: We gently unpack these beliefs, so you can lead with self, your grounded, confident inner leader, rather than old wounds.
Is Narcissistic Abuse Part of the Problem?
What Are the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse can be subtle yet damaging. Look for signs like gaslighting, manipulation, and feelings of constant diminishment.
Signs of narcissistic abuse include manipulation, gaslighting, and a persistent feeling of being unimportant after conversations.
Recognizing the Parts That Feel Confused or Small
When you feel confused or belittled in a relationship, it's not just about the moment, it’s about what it activates inside you. In IFS therapy, we look at the parts of you that have learned to tolerate this dynamic, often from past wounds.
Try This:
Write down moments when you felt dismissed, criticized, or doubted your own reality.
Ask: What part of me felt small in that moment?
Get curious: Has this feeling shown up in past relationships, or even childhood?
What this looks like in therapy with me: We gently explore these moments, giving your inner parts the validation and clarity they never received. Instead of questioning yourself, you’ll learn to trust your gut and reclaim your voice.
How Does Narcissistic Abuse Create a Cycle?
The pain from narcissistic abuse can create a desperate need for approval. The occasional praise, even if rare, can pull you back into the cycle. Educate yourself about these patterns and consider professional help to break free from the cycle. If you want to learn more you should explore this article "How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse," Darlene Lancer explains that "narcissists use destructive defense mechanisms that destroy relationships and cause pain and damage to their loved ones."
High-Achieving Individuals and Toxic Patterns
Why Do Successful People Still Struggle in Love?
It’s a common paradox: high-achieving individuals can excel at work yet struggle in relationships. The pressure to be perfect often makes you vulnerable to unhealthy patterns.
I once worked with a client who, despite her career success, kept falling into toxic relationships. Her fear of vulnerability and perfectionism masked deep, complex trauma. Through intensive sessions designed specifically for her, she learned to embrace her imperfections and build healthier connections. We did a deep exploration of her pattern in a 90-minute assessment and I built a custom treatment plan to work on that specific pattern or belief in her intensive. She walked away with greater insight and real tools to help her change her old patterns as she moved forward. Remember, healing is not linear. It is a continious journey.
Reflect on whether your drive for perfection is causing you to settle for less in love. Embrace vulnerability as a strength.
If this is the kind of change you are looking for, deep long-lasting change, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me so we can talk about making a custom treatment plan for you.
Unique Guidance for High-Achievers
In my intensives, I help professionals understand hidden complex trauma that often goes unnoticed. Together, we break it down, understand the barriers that prevent genuine connection and you walk away with real tools to make meaningful change.
Imagine bringing your whole self into your relationships, success, vulnerability, and all, leading to more balanced and fulfilling love.
How Can Online Trauma Therapy Help Break the Cycle?
What Makes Online Therapy a Game-Changer?
Online trauma therapy offers a safe, flexible, and private way to start healing, no matter where you live, ideal for residents of Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and across Pennsylvania.
Online trauma therapy provides accessible, confidential, and effective care that fits into even the busiest schedules. The best part, you can do virtual therapy from the comfort of your space. That means comfy clothes, a candle, coffee and a blanket. I love for my clients to be comfortable when connecting with me.
Research online therapy options and read reviews to find a service that feels right for you.
What Are Some Actionable Steps You Can Take Today?
Recognize the Cycle: Document the moments when you feel drawn back into toxic relationships.
Identify Triggers: Pinpoint what feelings or events lead to harmful patterns.
Take a Small Step: Schedule an online therapy session or try a self-help exercise this week. You can schedule a free consult with me directly on my website and be seen as soon as this week! Want to learn more about what trauma intensives are? Read my article.
Recent Statistics and Data Points
Cycle of Abuse:
Nearly 40% of individuals who leave abusive relationships end up returning, largely due to trauma bonding.
(Source: Journal of Interpersonal Violence)Narcissistic Abuse Prevalence:
Approximately 1 in 5 people have encountered narcissistic behavior in close relationships, often facing long-term emotional impacts.
(Source: Psychology Today)High-Achievers and Vulnerability:
Surveys indicate that high-achieving individuals are 25% more likely to experience relationship dysfunction due to perfectionistic tendencies and fear of vulnerability.
(Source: ResearchGate / Professional wellness surveys)Online Therapy Growth:
Online trauma therapy services have surged by over 150% in the past three years, highlighting a growing need for accessible mental health care.
(Source: American Psychological Association)Emotional Immaturity Impact:
Emotionally immature individuals in relationships face 30% more unresolved conflicts, fueling repetitive toxic cycles.
(Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline)
The numbers don’t lie, but neither do your gut feelings. If you recognize yourself in these stats, that’s your sign to stop Googling and start healing. Hit the consult button and let’s get to work.
Actionable Steps and Takeaways
Keep a Journal: Track your emotional responses after triggering interactions.
Identify Your Triggers: Write down specific moments when you feel drawn back into toxic patterns.
Reflect on Your Patterns: Ask yourself if past wounds or hidden trauma influence your choices.
Explore Online Therapy: If you’re in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, or anywhere in Pennsylvania, consider trying online trauma therapy.
Book a Free Consultation: Take that first step toward healing by scheduling a free consultation with an online trauma therapy. expert.
Frequently Asked Questions
Understanding the Cycle
Q: Why do I keep returning to toxic relationships even though I know they hurt me?
A: Often, it’s due to trauma bonding, a cycle where pain and hope mix, making it hard to let go. Start by keeping a journal to spot these patterns.
Q: What exactly is trauma bonding, and how can I recognize it in my life?
A: Trauma bonding is a deep, unhealthy attachment formed during cycles of abuse and reward. If you feel an intense pull even after repeated hurt, this may be what you’re experiencing.
Narcissistic Abuse
Q: How do I know if I’m dealing with narcissistic abuse in my relationship?
A: Look for signs like gaslighting, manipulation, and feeling constantly diminished. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it likely is.
Q: What are the signs of subtle emotional manipulation?
A: They include masked criticism, isolation from loved ones, and unpredictable moods that leave you confused.
Therapy and Healing
Q: How can trauma therapy online help me break this cycle?
A: Online trauma therapy offers flexibility, privacy, and expert guidance, making it easier to work through past hurts from anywhere in Pennsylvania.
Q: What techniques in trauma therapy are most effective for overcoming emotional abuse?
A: Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness practices, and guided self-reflection have proven effective and are tailored to your needs.
High-Achiever Concerns
Q: Are successful, high-achieving people more prone to toxic relationship patterns?
A: Yes. High-achievers often face immense pressure to be perfect, which can hide deep, complex trauma and lead to unhealthy relationship choices.
Q: How do perfectionism and high expectations contribute to relationship dysfunction?
A: They can make you fear vulnerability and settle for less-than-ideal relationships. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healthier connections.
Practical Steps
Q: What are some actionable strategies to start healing right now?
A: Begin by journaling your feelings, identifying your triggers, and exploring online trauma therapy options. Small, consistent steps can lead to big changes.
What’s the next step?
Breaking free from toxic relationships starts with understanding why you return to them. By spotting a trauma bond, identifying signs of narcissistic abuse or a toxic relationship, and addressing the unique challenges of anxious adults, you can begin your journey toward healing. Online trauma therapy offers the flexibility, privacy, and expert support you need, whether you’re in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, or anywhere in Pennsylvania.
Take one step today. Reflect, journal your feelings, or book a free consultation. You deserve a future filled with healthy, balanced relationships. Let’s break free from toxic cycles together!
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
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Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP
