7 Powerful Steps to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist Without Losing Your Cool
“What does the narcissistic person need?” The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation. How they go about getting that is where the narcissistic abuse comes in.”
― Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Why Is It So Hard to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist?
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “Why do I keep tolerating this?” or “Why can’t I just walk away?”, you’re not alone. Clients often ask me, “Why do I let them push me around?” The answer often lies in the trauma (yep, complex childhood trauma) we’ve experienced and the ways we’ve learned to cope with it. How to set boundaries with a narcissist begins with setting the internal boundaries we’ve neglected within ourselves.
So, let’s stop focusing on their behavior and start exploring why you tolerate it. Trauma therapy can help you learn why you tolerate this dynamic and teach you to create space to honor your needs in a relationship.
7 Steps to Setting Internal Boundaries with a Narcissist
1. What Are You Actually Tolerating?
Clients often say to me in session, “I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells.” My response? Let’s dig deeper. What are you afraid will happen if you stop?
Internal boundary tip: Write down every moment you say “yes” when you want to say “no.” Start to recognize your patterns of self-abandonment. For example, when they demand your attention at the last minute and you cancel plans to accommodate them, ask yourself: “Why am I saying yes when I don’t want too?”
It could sound something like this…
I can acknowledge their needs without ignoring my own. The next time I feel pressured to say ‘yes,’ I will pause and check in with myself: ‘Is this something I genuinely want to do?’ If not, I will say, ‘I can’t do that right now.’”
This shift in focus isn’t about controlling their behavior; it’s about valuing your time and emotional energy. When you start honoring yourself, you reclaim your power, one decision at a time (and this is how to set boundaries with a narcissist). It starts with just making one small actionable change.
2. Are You Confusing Peacekeeping with People-Pleasing?
Do you think avoiding conflict is the same as maintaining peace? Many clients tell me, “I don’t want to upset them.”But this often means you’re giving up your needs for someone else’s comfort.
Internal boundary tip: Pause and ask yourself, “Am I honoring myself in this situation?” If not, what small actionable step can I take to honor myself right now? For example, if you’re constantly agreeing to their plans even though you are exhausted, you could say, “I can’t make it tonight, but let’s talk tomorrow.”
“I can set limits without being unkind. I will remind myself that honoring my needs doesn’t make me selfish, it makes me human and whole. The next time I feel the urge to say ‘yes’ just to avoid conflict, I will practice saying, ‘I need to think about it first.’”
This simple pause breaks the automatic habit of people-pleasing and helps you focus on respecting your own needs. By practicing the skill of shifting your mindset, you redefine what peace really means, which is balance, not self-sacrifice.
3. How Do You Define Respect for Yourself?
Respect isn’t just about how others treat you, it’s about how you treat yourself. One client shared, “They keep ignoring what I say, but I don’t want to cause drama.” My reply: “How would life feel if you treated your voice like it deserves to be heard?”
Internal boundary tip: Practice identifying one area where your voice needs to be heard, and start speaking up for it with kindness but firmness. It could be as simple as saying, “I need some quiet time right now,” or as powerful as saying, “I don’t agree with how this is being handled.”
“I will remind myself that my voice matters, even if it’s uncomfortable to use it. The next time I feel dismissed, I will say, ‘I hear your perspective, but here’s what’s important to me.’”
When you start respecting your own voice, you show people that you expect the same from them. It’s not about causing drama; it’s about creating a life where your needs and feelings hold equal weight.
4. Are You Prioritizing Clarity Over Closure?
A common trap is seeking to “make sense” of a narcissist’s behavior. “Why do they act like this?” clients ask me all the time… Here’s the truth, understanding them or their behavior won’t set you free. Understanding yourself will.
Internal boundary tip: Shift from “Why are they doing this?” to “Why am I still here?” Journaling for 5 minutes a day can be a powerful tool for reframing your thoughts.
“I don’t need to solve the mystery of their behavior. My energy is better spent understanding my own motivations and choices. I will ask myself, ‘What am I afraid of if I leave, and how can I face that fear?’”
Prioritizing your clarity over closure gives you the power to take back your life (and this is how to set boundaries with a narcissist). Instead of chasing answers about them bydoom scrolling TikTok videos on narcissism, you start building a future that centers your well-being.
5. Are You Protecting Your Energy Like Your Life Depends on It?
Narcissists thrive on draining others, but your energy is your most valuable resource in this situation.
Internal boundary tip: Visualize a mental boundary, like a glass wall, between you and the chaos. It’s not your job to absorb their energy. Focus on maintaining your own calm. Do things that keep you in check so you can respond with logic instead of emotion.
“I will stay level-headed by grounding myself before interactions. If they provoke me, I’ll remind myself, ‘Their chaos doesn’t have to become mine.’ Instead of engaging, I’ll calmly state my boundary and walk away if necessary.”
By focusing on your own calm and logic, you take back control of how you respond, rather than reacting to their attempts to ‘poke the bear’. Protecting your energy isn’t selfish, it’s survival and it’s necessary.
6. Are You Checking in with Your Inner Child?
Many clients find their tolerance for narcissistic behavior stems from unmet childhood needs (yep, complex childhood trauma). One client shared, “I don’t want to feel abandoned again.”
Internal boundary tip: Practice self-compassion. Imagine speaking to the younger version of yourself and reassure that inner child in you, “I’ve got you now and I won’t abandon us.”
“When I feel triggered by their behavior, I will pause and ask myself, ‘What does my inner child need in this moment?’ I will remind myself that I am no longer powerless and that I can provide the safety and care my younger self really needed.”
By honoring your inner child, you start to heal the patterns that keep you stuck in toxic relationships. This connection helps you set boundaries not out of fear, but from a place of self-worth and self-love.
7. Do You Have the Support You Deserve?
You don’t have to do this alone. Setting internal boundaries requires unlearning and healing. Trauma therapy creates the safe space you need to rebuild your sense of self and your confidence to honor it.
“I will remind myself that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. I deserve it and it will help me honor myself to set the boundaries I need to thrive.”
With the right support system, whether it’s therapy, friends, co-workers or TikTok pages, you can gain the tools and confidence to not just set boundaries but to truly honor them. You deserve a life where your needs are prioritized, not dismissed.
What Trauma Therapy Can Do for You
Through trauma therapy, we work to unlearn the patterns that keep you stuck in unhealthy relationships. Instead of just managing the external chaos, we explore deep wounds and heal your inner world. Imagine if you could finally STOP overthinking and finally feeling grounded in who you are.
Ready to take the first step? I’m here to guide you. I’m Mariah (your trauma therapist) and I specialize in helping people like you heal from toxic relationships and reclaim their authentic selves.
Take Control of Your Healing
Click below to book a session or learn more about how trauma therapy can help you set boundaries and finally prioritize yourself. You deserve it!
www.zenwithzur.com
FAQ: Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist
Can a narcissist respect boundaries?
It’s unlikely unless it serves their needs or interests. That’s why setting internal boundaries will help you protect yourself emotionally.
How do I stop feeling guilty when setting boundaries?
Guilt often comes from old conditioning meaning we learned to experience this earlier in life. Temporary guilt is better than long-term resentment towards yourself or your partner.
What if they get angry when I set a boundary?
Their anger is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is honoring your needs, keeping yourself safe and staying calm.
Can trauma therapy help me deal with narcissistic relationships?
Absolutely. Trauma therapy helps you discover why you tolerate the behavior and gives you with tools to shift the dynamic.
What if I’m scared to set boundaries?
Fear is a normal human emotion. In therapy, we learn to take small actionable steps towards empowerment so you can build the confidence to assert yourself.
