The Silent Treatment in Pittsburgh: How to Cope When a Narcissist Ignores You
In Pittsburgh, a city known for its resilient spirit and tight-knit community, facing emotional manipulation can feel isolating. When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it’s like speaking into a void, a tactic designed to control and confuse. This guide offers practical strategies to help you regain your strength, set healthy boundaries, and find local support in the Steel City.
What Is the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment is not a moment of quiet. It is a deliberate act of emotional manipulation. Narcissists use silence to control and punish. They withhold communication to make you question your self-worth and feel abandoned.
Control Mechanism: Withholding words to maintain power.
Emotional Impact: Triggers anxiety, self-doubt, and isolation.
Local Connection: Even in Pittsburgh, where community matters, this tactic can leave you disconnected.
Read more by going to the National Domestic Violence Hotline Statistics website for more information.
How Can I Recognize Narcissistic Behavior?
Understanding narcissistic traits empowers you to protect yourself. Look for these common behaviors:
Self-Centeredness: They always put their needs first.
Lack of Empathy: Your feelings are often dismissed.
Manipulation Tactics: Expect gaslighting and emotional blackmail.
Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation: Praise one moment, dismiss the next.
A 2021 study (Journal of Family Violence) shows that nearly 60% of victims identify the silent treatment as a key tactic.
How does the Silent Treatment impact you?
The effects of being ignored can run deep:
Emotional Scars: Repeated rejection may lead to anxiety, depression, or PTSD.
Communication Breakdown: Silence stops healthy dialogue and creates more emotional distance in your relationship.
Future Relationships: The pain from this relationship makes trust and connection harder.
A report from the Allegheny County Domestic Violence Prevention Initiative noted a 12% increase in domestic violence-related calls in Pittsburgh over the past three years.
Coping Strategies for Pittsburgh Residents
When coping with the silent treatment, practical self-care and local support are key. Try these steps:
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Validate Yourself: The silence is a manipulation tactic, not a measure of your worth.
Journaling: Write down your thoughts to process your emotions.
Establish a Daily Routine
Stay Active: Enjoy Pittsburgh’s scenic parks and trails.
Pursue Hobbies: Engage in art, music, or local events to lift your spirits.
Practice Mindfulness and Self-Care
Mindfulness Techniques: Try meditation, deep breathing, or yoga.
Self-Care Rituals: Prioritize sleep, a healthy diet, and activities that nurture your soul.
A 2022 Journal of Clinical Psychology study shows mindfulness can reduce stress by up to 30%.
Set Firm Boundaries
Define Your Limits: Clearly state what behavior you will not tolerate.
Stand Firm: Consistent boundaries protect your self-esteem and mental health.
Finding Support in Pittsburgh
You are not alone. Pittsburgh offers many resources to help you heal:
Counseling Centers: Local clinics specialize in trauma and relationship issues.
Community Support Groups: Connect with others who understand your journey.
Hotlines: Access immediate help through services like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Or work directly with me because I get it, I’ve been here before.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: What is the silent treatment and why do narcissists use it?
A: The silent treatment is a control tactic. Narcissists withhold communication to punish and manipulate, leaving you questioning your worth.
Q2: How can I cope with a narcissist’s silent treatment?
A: Start by acknowledging your feelings and practicing self-care. Build a routine, use mindfulness techniques, and set clear boundaries to protect your well-being.
Q3: What are the key signs of narcissistic behavior?
A: Look for self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, manipulation tactics, and a cycle of idealization followed by devaluation.
Q4: How do I set healthy boundaries with a narcissist?
A: Communicate your limits clearly. Stand firm on what behavior you won’t accept. Consistency is essential for protecting your mental health.
Q5: Where can I find local help in Pittsburgh for emotional abuse?
A: Pittsburgh has many local counseling centers and support groups. You can also access immediate help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Moving Forward: Healing and Growth
Healing is a journey. Reflect on your experiences and learn what you need for healthier relationships. Invest in yourself by exploring new hobbies, continuing your education, or joining community activities. Set clear intentions for what respect and communication mean to you. Every step builds a stronger, more resilient you.
Reclaim Your Power in the Steel City
Coping with a narcissist’s silent treatment is challenging, but here in Pittsburgh, you’re supported by a caring community. Recognize the signs, practice self-care, set firm boundaries, and seek the help you deserve. Your silence does not define you—your strength does. Embrace Pittsburgh’s support and step confidently into a future where you are respected, heard, and valued.
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Google orTikTok for more educational tips & updates!
Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP
Men Experience Emotional Abuse Too (And You Might Be Ignoring the Signs)
High-achieving men are often the last to recognize when they’re stuck in a toxic relationship. Why? Because society tells them to "man up," ignore their emotions, and handle everything on their own. But emotional abuse doesn’t care about your success, your intelligence, or your ability to problem-solve—it slowly chips away at your self-worth until you don’t even recognize yourself.
High-achieving. Respected. In control. That’s how the world sees you. Manipulated. Dismissed. Emotionally drained. That’s what’s really happening behind closed doors.
If you’re reading this, something deep inside of you is questioning it:
"Is this really abuse? Can men even be emotionally abused? Should I just suck it up?"
Here’s the truth: Yes, men experience emotional abuse too, and just because you’re successful, logical, and self-sufficient doesn’t mean you’re immune to it.
“She’s all I have.”
That’s what one of my clients told me. A 6’3”, former college athlete, a guy who commanded respect the second he walked into a room. He had the kind of presence that made people move out of his way.
And yet, he was completely controlled by a woman who never laid a hand on him.
His girlfriend, on the outside, would scream at him over the phone, threaten to leave him if he didn’t send money, and hang up whenever he showed emotion. She made him feel like he was nothing without her.
I remember one call in particular. I was in my office when he came in, pacing, gripping his head like he was trying to squeeze out the thoughts that wouldn’t stop.
“She said she’s gonna find someone else. I can’t lose her, man. She’s all I have.”
This was a man who had been through everything, divorced parents, fights, losing family, trauma I can’t even begin to describe. But what broke him? Emotional abuse.
Being told he was worthless if he didn’t comply.
Being told he’d never find someone else who would “put up with him.”
Being manipulated into thinking she was the only one who cared.
And I realized, this happens way too often but it’s not talked about in regards to men being the victims.
Men are emotionally abused every day, but they don’t recognize it until it’s too late.
The Hidden Reality of Emotional Abuse in Men
Most men in toxic relationships don’t even realize they’re being abused.
Why? Because society has conditioned men to believe:
They’re supposed to be “the strong one”, so asking for help feels like weakness.
If they’re not being physically hurt, it’s not real abuse.
If they make six figures, have status, or run their own business, they should be able to “handle it.”
But emotional abuse doesn’t care about your job title, paycheck, or status. It erodes your self-worth slowly, until one day, you don’t even recognize yourself.
Men in emotionally abusive relationships are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 7 men will experience intimate partner violence, including emotional and psychological abuse. (Source)
And yet… so many suffer in silence.
5 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship (That You’re Probably Ignoring)
1. You constantly feel like you’re failing, even though you’re doing everything right. She moves the goalposts, every time you meet an expectation, she changes the rules.
"You should have known what I needed." or "You’re lucky I even put up with you."
No matter how much you give, it’s never enough.
2. She downplays your accomplishments, but expects the world from you. She expects you to provide, be emotionally available, and make her happy… but when do you get that in return?
"Must be nice to have time to focus on your career." or "Oh wow, you think you’re so successful now?"
If your achievements feel more like a burden than a win, that’s a red flag.
3. She uses your emotions against you. The second you bring up a problem, the tables turn:
"Wow, so now you’re blaming me?"
"You’re too sensitive. You’re overreacting."
"If you really loved me, you wouldn’t bring this up."
You start questioning yourself instead of holding her accountable. That’s manipulation.
4. You feel more drained than loved. Instead of feeling recharged and supported, you feel:
Exhausted from the constant emotional chaos.
Like you can’t relax, even when she’s not around.
Disconnected from your own emotions because you’ve been suppressing them for so long.
Love isn’t supposed to deplete you.
5. You’re scared to leave, but not because you love her.
You’re scared of being alone.
You’re scared no one else will love you.
You’re scared of what she’ll do if you leave.
That’s not love. That’s control.
If this sounds like you, it’s time to stop minimizing your experience. You deserve better.
Why High-Achieving Men Get Stuck in Toxic Relationships
Most high-achieving men don’t recognize the abuse because they’re wired to problem-solve. You think if you just work harder, communicate better, or give more, things will change. You see the relationship as a challenge to fix, not a toxic cycle to break.
But you can’t outwork someone else’s lack of accountability.
A recent study from the American Psychological Association found that men in emotionally abusive relationships are more likely to suffer in silence due to fear of judgment. (Source)
Ready to Break the Cycle? Let’s Talk.
Men experience emotional abuse too. And ignoring it won’t make it go away.
You’ve been through enough. It’s time to heal.
📍 Book a free consult with a therapist who understands.
📍 Explore how trauma intensives can help you heal.
📍 Read more about emotional abuse and start reclaiming your power.
Because your mental health matters too.
FAQs
How do I know if I’m being emotionally abused?
If your relationship leaves you feeling confused, drained, or constantly blamed, that’s a sign. Emotional abuse isn’t always obvious, it often shows up as manipulation, guilt-tripping, or dismissing your emotions.
Can men really be victims of emotional abuse?
Yes. 1 in 7 men experience emotional abuse from a partner. The stigma makes it harder for men to recognize or admit it, but abuse doesn’t care about gender. (Source)
What should I do if I think I’m in a toxic relationship?
Acknowledge it. Seek support. Create an exit plan. You don’t have to leave immediately, but you do need to stop gaslighting yourself. Talking to a therapist can help you process what’s happening and take the next step.
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Google orTikTok for more educational tips & updates!
Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP
Looking for a trauma therapist in Pennsylvania? Mariah J. Zur, LPC specializes in trauma therapy for men recovering from toxic relationships, narcissistic abuse, and emotional manipulation. Virtual trauma therapy sessions available for clients in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and throughout PA.
High-achieving men often overlook the signs of emotional abuse. If you constantly feel like you’re failing, walking on eggshells, or doubting your reality in a relationship, you might be experiencing psychological abuse. Therapy for men can help you rebuild confidence, set boundaries, and heal from toxic patterns.
Signs of emotional abuse in men include manipulation, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, and being made to feel like nothing you do is enough. If you're experiencing these, seeking trauma-informed therapy could be the next step toward healing.
Why You Miss Your Toxic Ex on Valentine’s Day (and How to Stop)
Still thinking about your toxic ex this Valentine’s Day? It’s not love, it’s trauma bonding. Your brain is hooked on the highs and lows of the relationship, making it feel impossible to move on. But the good news? You can break free. Don’t let nostalgia pull you back into the cycle. Learn how to heal from a toxic ex and move forward with confidence.
Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love, connection, and celebration. But if you're fresh out of a toxic relationship, it can feel like a gut punch. Instead of looking forward to flowers and dinner dates, you find yourself obsessing over someone who treated you like sh*t, but you still want them back.
You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re human.
The emotional pull toward a toxic ex is powerful, and the pain is real. But the good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.
In this post, we’ll break down:
✅ Why your brain tricks you into missing your toxic ex
✅ The psychological hold of toxic relationships
✅ Why Valentine’s Day intensifies these feelings
✅ How to stop craving someone who never valued you
✅ Healing strategies that actually work
If you’re in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, or anywhere in Pennsylvania, looking for expert guidance, this is for you.
Why Do You Still Miss Your Toxic Ex? (Even When They Treated You Like Sh*t?)
1. Your Brain Is Addicted to the Highs and Lows
Toxic relationships operate like dopamine-fueled roller coasters, moments of extreme love followed by gut-wrenching rejection. This cycle rewires your brain to crave them, just like an addiction.
2. You Confuse Familiarity with Love
Humans crave what’s familiar, even when it’s harmful. If chaos and emotional unavailability felt normal in your past relationships, your brain associates toxicity with comfort.
3. You’re Seeking Closure That Will Never Come
Narcissists and emotionally abusive partners rarely give closure. You may feel like you just need one last conversation to “understand” why they treated you this way, but deep down, you know you’ll never get the answer that makes it make sense.
4. Valentine’s Day Exaggerates Emotional Longing
A 2023 study from Psychology Today found that individuals often feel more distressed than expected on Valentine’s Day due to increased thoughts about past relationships. Seeing couples post their “perfect” relationships online can trigger loneliness and nostalgia, but social media isn’t reality.
5. Social Media Keeps You Stuck
Speaking of social mediam are you still checking their Instagram or watching their stories? 88% of people admit to checking their ex’s social media after a breakup, even though they know it makes them feel worse. The more you lurk, the longer you stay trapped.
How to Stop Missing a Toxic Ex on Valentine’s Day
1. Go No Contact (Seriously, Block Them)
If you haven’t already, BLOCK. DELETE. REMOVE.
Think about this: Every time you check their page, you’re re-opening a wound that should be healing.
2. Replace Toxic Nostalgia with Reality Checks
When you find yourself romanticizing the relationship, ask yourself:
➡️ Was I ever truly happy in this relationship?
➡️ How did they actually make me feel on a daily basis?
➡️ Would I want a friend or loved one to be treated the way I was?
3. Unfollow & Mute Valentine’s Day Triggers
Social media algorithms will shove couple content down your throat this week. Mute or unfollow accounts that make you feel worse.
4. Create a “Goodbye Letter” (And Don’t Send It)
Write a letter saying everything you wish you could say to your ex, but never send it. This is for your healing, not for their validation.
5. Shift the Focus to Self-Love & Growth
Plan a solo Valentine’s Day ritual that celebrates YOU.
Book a spa day.
Go on a weekend trip to Pittsburgh, Philly, or your favorite PA getaway. Take yourself to an amazing brunch in Pittsburgh or take yourself to a dinner/enertainment show in Philadelphia.
Start therapy (we’ll talk about that next). Or jump right too it and check out what I offer, this is my speciality!
When to Seek Therapy for Toxic Relationship Recovery
If you’re feeling:
❌ Emotionally stuck and unable to move on
❌ Obsessed with getting answers from your ex
❌ Trapped in a cycle of self-blame and rumination
❌ Drawn back into toxic patterns with new relationships
It’s time to seek professional support.
A licensed trauma therapist can help you:
✔ Detach from toxic relationship patterns
✔ Rebuild your self-esteem and confidence
✔ Understand why you stayed, and how to break free for good
If you’re in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, or anywhere in Pennsylvania, I offer virtual trauma therapy sessions to help you heal from toxic relationships.
Schedule your free consultation by clicking here.
FAQs: Your Biggest Questions Answered
1. Why do I still miss my toxic ex despite knowing they were bad for me?
Your brain gets hooked on the highs and lows of the relationship. It's not love, it's trauma bonding.
2. How can I cope with loneliness on Valentine's Day after a breakup?
Plan something special for yourself. Treat yourself like you wish your ex had treated you.
3. Is it normal to want to contact my toxic ex on holidays?
Yes, but that doesn’t mean you should. Wanting comfort is human, but reaching out will set you back.
4. What are the best ways to avoid contacting my toxic ex?
Block them, delete their number, and remove social media triggers. Out of sight, out of mind.
5. How can I focus on self-love after a toxic relationship?
Therapy, self-care, and surrounding yourself with people who truly value you.
You Deserve More
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a painful reminder of what you lost, it can be a turning point toward what you truly deserve.
Let this year be the time you choose yourself.
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
Schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation with me now by clicking this link.
Take this free quiz to see if you are over your toxic ex or if they are still living rent-free in your head.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Google orTikTok for more educational tips & updates!
Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP
7 Powerful Steps to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist Without Losing Your Cool
Setting boundaries with a narcissist starts with strengthening your internal boundaries, not just learning about why they do it or managing their behavior. Learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist in a way that keeps you safe and helps you gain control of your life.
“What does the narcissistic person need?” The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation. How they go about getting that is where the narcissistic abuse comes in.”
― Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Why Is It So Hard to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist?
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “Why do I keep tolerating this?” or “Why can’t I just walk away?”, you’re not alone. Clients often ask me, “Why do I let them push me around?” The answer often lies in the trauma (yep, complex childhood trauma) we’ve experienced and the ways we’ve learned to cope with it. How to set boundaries with a narcissist begins with setting the internal boundaries we’ve neglected within ourselves.
So, let’s stop focusing on their behavior and start exploring why you tolerate it. Trauma therapy can help you learn why you tolerate this dynamic and teach you to create space to honor your needs in a relationship.
7 Steps to Setting Internal Boundaries with a Narcissist
1. What Are You Actually Tolerating?
Clients often say to me in session, “I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells.” My response? Let’s dig deeper. What are you afraid will happen if you stop?
Internal boundary tip: Write down every moment you say “yes” when you want to say “no.” Start to recognize your patterns of self-abandonment. For example, when they demand your attention at the last minute and you cancel plans to accommodate them, ask yourself: “Why am I saying yes when I don’t want too?”
It could sound something like this…
I can acknowledge their needs without ignoring my own. The next time I feel pressured to say ‘yes,’ I will pause and check in with myself: ‘Is this something I genuinely want to do?’ If not, I will say, ‘I can’t do that right now.’”
This shift in focus isn’t about controlling their behavior; it’s about valuing your time and emotional energy. When you start honoring yourself, you reclaim your power, one decision at a time (and this is how to set boundaries with a narcissist). It starts with just making one small actionable change.
2. Are You Confusing Peacekeeping with People-Pleasing?
Do you think avoiding conflict is the same as maintaining peace? Many clients tell me, “I don’t want to upset them.”But this often means you’re giving up your needs for someone else’s comfort.
Internal boundary tip: Pause and ask yourself, “Am I honoring myself in this situation?” If not, what small actionable step can I take to honor myself right now? For example, if you’re constantly agreeing to their plans even though you are exhausted, you could say, “I can’t make it tonight, but let’s talk tomorrow.”
“I can set limits without being unkind. I will remind myself that honoring my needs doesn’t make me selfish, it makes me human and whole. The next time I feel the urge to say ‘yes’ just to avoid conflict, I will practice saying, ‘I need to think about it first.’”
This simple pause breaks the automatic habit of people-pleasing and helps you focus on respecting your own needs. By practicing the skill of shifting your mindset, you redefine what peace really means, which is balance, not self-sacrifice.
3. How Do You Define Respect for Yourself?
Respect isn’t just about how others treat you, it’s about how you treat yourself. One client shared, “They keep ignoring what I say, but I don’t want to cause drama.” My reply: “How would life feel if you treated your voice like it deserves to be heard?”
Internal boundary tip: Practice identifying one area where your voice needs to be heard, and start speaking up for it with kindness but firmness. It could be as simple as saying, “I need some quiet time right now,” or as powerful as saying, “I don’t agree with how this is being handled.”
“I will remind myself that my voice matters, even if it’s uncomfortable to use it. The next time I feel dismissed, I will say, ‘I hear your perspective, but here’s what’s important to me.’”
When you start respecting your own voice, you show people that you expect the same from them. It’s not about causing drama; it’s about creating a life where your needs and feelings hold equal weight.
4. Are You Prioritizing Clarity Over Closure?
A common trap is seeking to “make sense” of a narcissist’s behavior. “Why do they act like this?” clients ask me all the time… Here’s the truth, understanding them or their behavior won’t set you free. Understanding yourself will.
Internal boundary tip: Shift from “Why are they doing this?” to “Why am I still here?” Journaling for 5 minutes a day can be a powerful tool for reframing your thoughts.
“I don’t need to solve the mystery of their behavior. My energy is better spent understanding my own motivations and choices. I will ask myself, ‘What am I afraid of if I leave, and how can I face that fear?’”
Prioritizing your clarity over closure gives you the power to take back your life (and this is how to set boundaries with a narcissist). Instead of chasing answers about them bydoom scrolling TikTok videos on narcissism, you start building a future that centers your well-being.
5. Are You Protecting Your Energy Like Your Life Depends on It?
Narcissists thrive on draining others, but your energy is your most valuable resource in this situation.
Internal boundary tip: Visualize a mental boundary, like a glass wall, between you and the chaos. It’s not your job to absorb their energy. Focus on maintaining your own calm. Do things that keep you in check so you can respond with logic instead of emotion.
“I will stay level-headed by grounding myself before interactions. If they provoke me, I’ll remind myself, ‘Their chaos doesn’t have to become mine.’ Instead of engaging, I’ll calmly state my boundary and walk away if necessary.”
By focusing on your own calm and logic, you take back control of how you respond, rather than reacting to their attempts to ‘poke the bear’. Protecting your energy isn’t selfish, it’s survival and it’s necessary.
6. Are You Checking in with Your Inner Child?
Many clients find their tolerance for narcissistic behavior stems from unmet childhood needs (yep, complex childhood trauma). One client shared, “I don’t want to feel abandoned again.”
Internal boundary tip: Practice self-compassion. Imagine speaking to the younger version of yourself and reassure that inner child in you, “I’ve got you now and I won’t abandon us.”
“When I feel triggered by their behavior, I will pause and ask myself, ‘What does my inner child need in this moment?’ I will remind myself that I am no longer powerless and that I can provide the safety and care my younger self really needed.”
By honoring your inner child, you start to heal the patterns that keep you stuck in toxic relationships. This connection helps you set boundaries not out of fear, but from a place of self-worth and self-love.
7. Do You Have the Support You Deserve?
You don’t have to do this alone. Setting internal boundaries requires unlearning and healing. Trauma therapy creates the safe space you need to rebuild your sense of self and your confidence to honor it.
“I will remind myself that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. I deserve it and it will help me honor myself to set the boundaries I need to thrive.”
With the right support system, whether it’s therapy, friends, co-workers or TikTok pages, you can gain the tools and confidence to not just set boundaries but to truly honor them. You deserve a life where your needs are prioritized, not dismissed.
What Trauma Therapy Can Do for You
Through trauma therapy, we work to unlearn the patterns that keep you stuck in unhealthy relationships. Instead of just managing the external chaos, we explore deep wounds and heal your inner world. Imagine if you could finally STOP overthinking and finally feeling grounded in who you are.
Ready to take the first step? I’m here to guide you. I’m Mariah (your trauma therapist) and I specialize in helping people like you heal from toxic relationships and reclaim their authentic selves.
Take Control of Your Healing
Click below to book a session or learn more about how trauma therapy can help you set boundaries and finally prioritize yourself. You deserve it!
www.zenwithzur.com
FAQ: Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist
Can a narcissist respect boundaries?
It’s unlikely unless it serves their needs or interests. That’s why setting internal boundaries will help you protect yourself emotionally.
How do I stop feeling guilty when setting boundaries?
Guilt often comes from old conditioning meaning we learned to experience this earlier in life. Temporary guilt is better than long-term resentment towards yourself or your partner.
What if they get angry when I set a boundary?
Their anger is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is honoring your needs, keeping yourself safe and staying calm.
Can trauma therapy help me deal with narcissistic relationships?
Absolutely. Trauma therapy helps you discover why you tolerate the behavior and gives you with tools to shift the dynamic.
What if I’m scared to set boundaries?
Fear is a normal human emotion. In therapy, we learn to take small actionable steps towards empowerment so you can build the confidence to assert yourself.
The Secret to Saying ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty: A Step-by-Step Guide to Reclaiming Your Time
Learn how to set boundaries kindly and effectively to break free from toxic cycles and reclaim your peace. Through trauma therapy, I’ll help you prioritize your well-being, say 'no' without guilt, and create space for what truly matters.
Are You Exhausted From Saying ‘Yes’ When You Want to Say ‘No’?
Have you ever caught yourself agreeing to bake something for a potluck, on top of working late and attending a family dinner, only to wonder why you feel so damn exhausted? Many clients share this struggle in therapy. They say things like:
“If I don’t do it, who will?”
“I feel like I’m letting everyone down if I say no.”
“They’ll think I’m lazy or selfish if I set boundaries.”
Sound familiar? The truth is, saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ doesn’t just exhaust you physically; it also destroys your emotional peace. If you can relate, it’s time to explore how to set internal boundaries so you can start reclaiming your life.
What Are Internal Boundaries, and Why Are You Tolerating the Overload?
Internal boundaries are the limits you set within yourself to manage your energy, time, and emotional well-being. They’re the invisible walls that protect you from burnout and help you stay in alignment with what you value. So why do so many people struggle to maintain them?
Clients often try to make sense of why they keep tolerating the overload:
“Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”
“I don’t want people to think I’m difficult.”
But in therapy, I gently challenge this narrative:
“Instead of asking why you feel this way, what if we explored why you’ve been tolerating it?”
This shift helps clients stop intellectualizing (click here to learn what intellectualizing is) their feelings and start understanding the root of their behavior. Often, the fear of rejection or a deep-seated need for approval drives the guilt they feel when setting boundaries. Therapy helps you understand these underlying patterns and create space for lasting change.
What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries?
When you fail to set internal boundaries, the results are often more than just a packed schedule. Some of the other things you may experience are:
Burnout: Constantly overcommitting leaves you physically and emotionally drained.
Resentment: Agreeing to things you don’t want to do builds anger and frustration.
Loss of Self: You stop prioritizing your needs, and your sense of who you are gets buried under obligations.
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, it’s time to take action. Here’s how.
How Can You Set Internal Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty?
Step 1: Identify Your Values
Start by getting clear on what matters most to you. Ask yourself:
What activities give me energy vs what sucks the life right out of me?
How do I want to spend the time I do have?
Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion
Setting boundaries is hard, really hard. Especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. Remind yourself:
“I’m not selfish; I’m saving my energy for what truly matters to me.”
“Saying no to others means I am saying yes to myself.”
I often encourage clients to write these affirmations down and revisit them when guilt creeps in. Yes, guilt will creep in.
Step 3: Use the “No Sandwich” Technique
This skill is a game-changer for saying ‘no’ without guilt. Here’s how it works.
Start with kindness: Acknowledge the other person’s request.
State your boundary: Clearly and assertively decline.
End with gratitude or a solution: Thank them or offer an alternative.
Why Therapy Is Key to Mastering Internal Boundaries
Setting boundaries isn’t just about learning scripts or skills, it’s about understanding and healing the deeper patterns that keep you stuck. Therapy gives you,
A Safe Space: To unpack childhood experiences that shaped your fear of saying ‘no.’
Accountability: To practice and really get good at your boundary-setting skills.
Tools for Growth: To explore your inner critic and build confidence in your choices.
One client, for example, struggled with guilt every time they set a boundary. Through therapy, we discovered this guilt stemmed from being raised in a household where their needs were often dismissed. Understanding this helped them release the shame and start setting boundaries unapologetically.
Reclaim Your Time and Energy Starting Today
Saying ‘no’ without guilt is possible, but it takes practice and intentionality. By focusing on how to set internal boundaries, you’re not just protecting your time, you’re living the life you want to live.
If you’re ready to do the work and truly understand why setting boundaries feels so hard, therapy can help. Let’s work together to help you discover your patterns, build the skills you need, and help you step into a life that you want to live. Schedule a free consultation today by clicking here.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are some examples of setting boundaries without hurting someone's feelings?
Setting boundaries with empathy doesn’t mean tiptoeing around the truth. Use “I” statements, say what you need, and keep your tone kind but firm. For example, instead of telling someone “You’re always late,” try something like “I feel disrespected when I have to wait. Can we agree to be on time for meetings?” It’s all about communicating like an adult while still respecting your own needs.
How can I communicate my boundaries effectively to others?
Timing is everything, don’t pick a moment when you’re both running on fumes or knee-deep in chaos. Plan ahead, and make sure your tone is firm but respectful. For example, “Mom, I love you and I want to hang out, but I need a heads-up before you drop by. Let’s agree that you’ll call first so I can actually be present and not doing other things.”
How to set boundaries as a nice person?
Being nice doesn’t mean you have to throw your needs out the window like last season’s clothes. I know the temptation to make everyone happy is real, but here’s the thing, your comfort matters too. I’ve seen clients try to please everyone, and trust me, it’s a one-way ticket to burnout. Set your boundaries, speak up, and own what works for you, without guilt!
5 Signs of Being in a Toxic Relationship and How to Leave - Start Healing Today
Stuck in a toxic relationship? Discover 5 clear signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave. Learn what steps to take to break free and start healing today with expert advice from a trauma therapist.
signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave
Let me guess: You’re the kind of person who has their life together. You’ve got a successful career, a great circle of friends, and you’re self-aware enough to know when something’s off. But for some reason, when it comes to your relationships, you keep finding yourself in the same toxic patterns. You know something isn’t quite right, but you can’t figure out why you’re still stuck. Trust me, you’re not alone.
As a trauma therapist specializing in signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave, I work with high-achieving individuals just like you who are confused about why they end up in these unhealthy dynamics. Whether it's with a partner, friend, or family member, the emotional toll of toxic relationships can feel like you’re stuck in a loop. But here’s the thing: the fact that you’re aware of the issue is half the battle. Now, it’s time to really understand why and break free.
In this article, we’ll go over 5 clear signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave. I’ll also provide you with practical steps to start healing today.
You Feel Like You’re Constantly Walking on Eggshells
signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave
I get it. It’s exhausting. You might feel like no matter what you say or do, it’s the wrong thing. You’re always second-guessing yourself and wondering if your words or actions are going to set off an emotional bomb. This is one of the clearest signs of being in a toxic relationship.
Why This Happens
Often, when we’re dealing with emotional manipulation or gaslighting (where your reality is consistently questioned), we start to doubt our own instincts. It's like living in a fog where you can't trust your own emotions, and it’s even harder to speak up for yourself. In my work with clients, I’ve seen this dynamic play out repeatedly. For example, one client came to me saying, "I just feel like I can never say the right thing. If I express my feelings, it always turns into a fight."
How to Leave
Set Clear Boundaries. Start by identifying what behaviors make you feel unsafe or unsupported, and then calmly express these boundaries to your partner. Boundaries are an act of self-respect, and while they may initially feel uncomfortable, they’re essential for creating a healthier relationship.
Trust Your Feelings. Your feelings are valid. Trust them. You don’t need to rationalize or explain them away to someone who dismisses them.
You Feel Drained and Emotionally Exhausted After Spending Time Together
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your partner feeling emotionally drained, like you have nothing left to give? Healthy relationships should recharge you, not leave you feeling like you’ve been in a constant emotional battle.
I had a client, a highly successful executive, who used to feel like she needed a nap every time she spent time with her boyfriend. “It’s like I’m giving so much of myself to him and receiving nothing back. I don’t have the energy to focus on myself or my career anymore.”
Why This Happens:
In toxic relationships, one partner often drains the other emotionally, either by being overly needy, critical, or manipulative. You’re giving so much of yourself in hopes of keeping the peace, and eventually, it takes a toll.
How to Leave:
Prioritize Self-Care. If you find yourself exhausted after spending time with your partner, make sure you’re recharging your batteries. Take time for your hobbies, exercise, meditate, or just hang out with friends who fill you up.
Create Emotional Space. Recognize that it’s okay to need space for yourself. It doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you a person who knows how to protect their emotional health.
You Keep Making Excuses for Their Bad Behavior
If you’ve found yourself saying things like, “They’re just having a bad day,” or “They didn’t mean it that way,” more times than you can count, you're probably overlooking a deeper issue. This kind of rationalizing is a classic sign of being in a toxic relationship.
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with who, despite being intelligent, successful, and emotionally aware, still find themselves excusing their partner’s bad behavior. One client said to me, “I know he’s been critical lately, but I think it’s just because his work is stressful. He’s always been a good partner when things are calm.”
Why This Happens
This is where trauma bonding comes into play. When you’ve been in a relationship with intermittent highs and lows, your brain can become addicted to the “good” moments, which makes you ignore the bad ones. It’s like a drug—it feels good for a second, but it’s ultimately harmful.
How to Leave:
Get Honest with Yourself. Start noticing the pattern: every time your partner acts in a way that feels off, stop and ask yourself if it’s really excusable. Be radically honest about what behaviors you’re willing to tolerate.
Seek Therapy.. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you break the cycle of rationalizing bad behavior and see the relationship for what it really is.
You Feel Like You’ve Lost Yourself in the Relationship
I’ve seen this time and time again. You’re so invested in the relationship that you stop focusing on your own needs, wants, and values. Instead of growing together, you find yourself shrinking, losing the parts of you that used to bring you joy.
One client, who had spent years in a controlling relationship, came to me feeling like a shell of herself. “I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. All I do is try to keep him happy. I’ve forgotten what I even want from life.”
Why This Happens
In toxic relationships, one person often exerts control or manipulation, leaving the other person to constantly accommodate their needs. Over time, this suppresses your individuality and leaves you feeling disconnected from your true self.
How to Leave:
Reclaim Your Identity. It’s time to reconnect with the things that bring you joy, whether it’s a hobby, a career goal, or even a new friendship. Take time for yourself, and allow yourself to grow outside of the relationship.
Set Personal Goals. Reassess your goals outside of the relationship. What do you want for yourself? Make time to work toward these goals.
You Constantly Feel Like You’re Not Enough
This one hits hard, especially for high-achieving individuals. If you feel like no matter how much you give, how hard you try, or how much you sacrifice, it’s never enough for your partner, you’re likely in a toxic relationship.
One client of mine, a driven entrepreneur, shared this with me: “I feel like I’m never good enough for him. No matter what I do, he always finds something wrong. It’s like I can’t ever measure up.”
Why This Happens
Toxic partners often use criticism or emotional neglect to undermine your self-worth. If you’ve been criticized or invalidated repeatedly, you may start to internalize the belief that you’re not good enough, even though that’s far from the truth.
How to Leave
Practice Self-Love. You have to start with recognizing your own worth. This means practicing self-compassion, affirming your own value, and setting clear boundaries with people who make you feel small.
Stop People-Pleasing. Learn to say no without guilt. You don’t have to cater to someone else’s needs at the expense of your own.
Signs of Being in a Toxic Relationship and How to Leave
If you're feeling stuck and unsure how to leave a toxic relationship, you're not alone. Recognizing the signs of being in a toxic relationship is the first step toward reclaiming your peace and happiness. Whether it's constant emotional exhaustion, losing yourself, or feeling unworthy, these patterns can often be traced back to unresolved trauma. Understanding how trauma impacts relationships is key to breaking the cycle and creating healthy connections moving forward.
By setting clear internal boundaries, practicing self-care, and embracing your worth, you can begin the journey of healing from both trauma and toxic relationships. It’s not easy, but it is possible to transform the way you engage with others and with yourself.
Taking action might feel overwhelming, but remember, you're not in this alone. As a trauma therapist specializing in toxic relationships, I help high-achieving individuals like you untangle the confusion, address underlying trauma, and create lasting change. Start by identifying the toxic behaviors in your life and reach out for support—because you deserve to thrive in healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Ready to leave the cycle behind? Take the first step toward freedom today and let go of the trauma-based relationship patterns that no longer serve you. Your journey to a healthier, happier you starts now.
Schedule a FREE 15 minute phone call with me or book your first appointment directly through the button below.
How to Feel Your Feelings (Without Overthinking Them)
Feeling stuck in a confusing relationship? You’re not alone. In this blog, we explore how overthinking and intellectualizing emotions can keep you trapped in a cycle of confusion. Learn how to break free by tuning into your body, practicing mindfulness, and allowing yourself to truly feel your feelings—without trying to fix them. Discover 3 actionable steps to gain clarity and move forward with confidence.
Ah, confusion. It's that nagging, familiar feeling that makes you question everything about your relationship, even though you're highly intelligent and self-aware. If you’re here reading this, it’s because you know you’re caught in that cycle of overthinking—where the mind spins in circles, analyzing and dissecting every moment. You’ve tried to think your way out of it, but here you are. Feeling stuck. Again.
Let’s be clear: this isn’t about you being less smart. It’s not about missing the "right answer" or lacking some magical insight. It’s not even about the fact that you can see through the unhealthy dynamics, yet you’re still stuck. It’s a bit more complicated—and it has everything to do with your ability to feel your feelings.
The Intellectual Trap: Why We Get Stuck in Confusion
As a highly self-aware person, you might believe that your ability to intellectualize your emotions should give you some sort of superpower to navigate relationships. But instead, it just keeps you stuck in the loop. You get lost in over-analyzing, justifying, or rationalizing things that don’t quite sit right. The problem isn’t that you’re not smart enough to get it—it’s that you’re trying to think your way out of feelings, when feelings need to be felt, not figured out.
You know what you’re supposed to do, yet somehow, you still can’t make the call. Why? Because feelings aren't problems to solve. They’re experiences to feel. And the more you try to think your way out of them, the more the confusion grows.
So how do you break this pattern and actually feel what’s going on inside?
Step 1: Get Into Your Body
I get it, you’re probably rolling your eyes. “Really? The body? I’m not five years old.” But hear me out. Your brain can only do so much to process feelings. And guess what? It often messes with your emotions to the point of complete disconnection. The real work of processing emotions happens in the body, not the mind.
So here’s an experiment (yes, we’re going full-on therapist here). Take a moment right now to tune into your body. Go ahead and sit with your feet flat on the floor, close your eyes if you can, and pay attention to the physical sensations you’re experiencing. Don’t judge them or try to change them, just observe.
What’s happening in your chest? Tight? Open? Is your breathing shallow, or deep and steady? How about your stomach? Do you feel any knots there?
You’re not trying to label it as “good” or “bad”—you’re just gathering data. Think of yourself as a scientist who’s curious about what’s going on with you. What is your body trying to tell you right now?
The body is your emotional GPS. If you’ve been intellectualizing for too long, it’s time to reconnect with your body. You might notice that what felt confusing in your head is a lot clearer once you pay attention to your physical sensations.
Step 2: Don’t Try to Fix It (Yet)
I know you’re a fixer. You’re a problem-solver, and you probably have the perfect logical solution to every dilemma. But here's the thing: you can't fix your emotions by overthinking them. In fact, trying to "fix" feelings only makes things worse.
Feelings don't need to be fixed. They need to be processed. And that can’t happen when you’re trying to bulldoze through them. So when you start to feel the pressure to do something about your feelings, stop.
Sit with them. Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable. Don't rush to "fix" the situation. The more you try to force emotions away or find a way out of them, the more you reinforce the cycle of confusion.
Here’s an example: Let’s say you’ve had a disagreement with your partner. Your brain immediately starts creating scenarios and justifications: “I should’ve said this… if they just understood that… maybe I’m overreacting…” It’s a mental loop that keeps you trapped. Instead of fixing the problem, try to sit with the discomfort. Notice the thoughts, acknowledge them, but allow yourself the space to just feel what you’re feeling in that moment.
Step 3: Practice Mindfulness and Be Curious
The key to breaking free from confusion is mindfulness. Being curious about your experience, not judgmental. It’s about noticing your emotional state, observing it, and allowing it to be there.
Next time you're feeling conflicted or uncertain, try these three mindfulness principles:
Beginner’s Mind: Approach the situation like you’ve never experienced it before. Let go of all the assumptions or expectations. How does it feel to just be with your emotions?
Non-Judgment: Drop the labels. Instead of saying “This is awful,” describe the feeling. “I feel heavy in my chest. My thoughts are racing. My stomach is tight.” Let your language reflect curiosity, not criticism.
Non-Striving: Don’t force anything. Let the emotions flow naturally. You don’t need to make them go away or change them immediately. Just allow them to exist without pressure.
Mindfulness brings you back into your body and teaches you how to be present with yourself.
The Bottom Line: Stop Trying to Figure It All Out
Look, you’re not going to figure out everything all at once. Confusion is a sign that you're living in your head too much, trying to think your way out of a situation that your body already understands. But when you can step out of the intellectualization and drop into your body, the fog begins to lift.
So, the next time you feel stuck in a confusing relationship, remember: feelings are meant to be felt, not solved. Stop trying to outsmart them. Instead, get into your body, allow yourself to sit with what’s coming up, and practice being present.
Because as uncomfortable as it may feel, the more you allow yourself to feel, the clearer the path ahead will become.