Confusion Is a Decision: Why You’re Stuck in That Toxic Relationship

Let’s cut to the chase: if you’re feeling confused about your relationship, here’s the truth—it’s not really confusion. It’s avoidance, dressed up as indecision. And before you roll your eyes or click away, stick with me.

If you’re thriving in your career, friendships, and hobbies but somehow still stuck in a relationship that makes you want to scream into a pillow (daily), it’s not because you’re not smart enough to figure it out. It’s because your brain is working against you. Spoiler: this is probably a trauma bond, not “true love with complications.”

What’s a Trauma Bond Anyway?

A trauma bond is the toxic relationship version of a subscription you forgot to cancel—it keeps taking and taking while giving you just enough to stay hooked. Neuroscience backs this up:

• Dopamine: Those rare “good times” feel euphoric, tricking your brain into thinking they’re worth all the bad.

• Cortisol: The constant stress keeps you stuck in survival mode, unable to see clearly.

• Oxytocin: Those moments of closeness? They deepen your attachment, even when you knowbetter.

The cycle keeps you trapped, rationalizing why you should stay, even when every other part of your life screams, “You deserve better!”

Why Confusion Feels Safer

Confusion gives you a (false) sense of control. It’s easier to live in “I don’t know what to do” than to face the terrifying reality of making a big decision. Why?

• Parts of you are scared. Your inner child might fear rejection or abandonment.

• It feels familiar. If you grew up in chaos or unpredictability, your brain might associate that with love.

• It avoids change. Even a toxic “comfort zone” feels safer than the unknown.

3 Actionable Steps to Break the Cycle

Enough psycho-babble—how do you get unstuck? Let’s get to work:

1. Call Out the BS (with Compassion):

Take a hard look at the excuses you’re making for staying. Write them down. Then ask: “What part of me is scared to let go, and why?”

This isn’t about shaming yourself. It’s about understanding the wounded parts of you that are clinging to the relationship. These parts need validation, not judgment. Bonus: A therapist trained in IFS can help you dig even deeper.

2. Detach from the Drama (Emotionally, Not Just Physically):

Confusion thrives on emotional chaos. Start by grounding yourself:

• Practice deep breathing to calm your nervous system.

• Journal about what the relationship is actually giving you versus what you’re hoping it will give.

• Limit emotional interactions. When you’re feeling triggered, step back. Take a walk, call a friend, or binge a feel-good show.

Detach first emotionally—clarity follows.

3. Build a “Break Free” Squad:

Trauma bonds thrive in isolation. Tell trusted people what you’re going through. Join a support group. Or, if talking to humans feels like too much right now, find online communities where others share their stories.

Pro tip: A therapist (like me, perhaps?) can guide you in exploring your patterns, healing those inner wounds, and building a plan to move forward.

The Hard Truth (But Also the Good News)

Staying stuck isn’t about your intelligence or strength. It’s about how your brain has been wired and the parts of you that still need healing. But here’s the good news: breaking a trauma bond isn’t about one big leap. It’s about small, steady steps that build momentum over time.

Confusion may feel like a decision-free zone, but it’s really a quiet choice to stay in limbo. The power is in your hands—step out of the fog and into the clarity you deserve.

And hey, if you need someone in your corner for the messy, beautiful process of breaking free, therapy is a great place to start. You don’t have to navigate this alone.