How Covert Narcissists Keep You Hooked: False Promises of Change + Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in Pittsburgh
Relationships with covert narcissists are a constant emotional rollercoaster, often with moments of hope that things will finally get better. But those moments often come and go, leaving you feeling drained, confused, and wondering why you keep holding on. Let’s explore how covert narcissists keep you hooked with false promises of change, the deeper emotional reasons behind tolerating this cycle, and how therapy can help you break free.
Are You Waiting for a Change That Never Comes?
One of the most common things shared in therapy from clients is this:
“They keep telling me they’ll change, but nothing ever really happens. Why do I keep believing them?”
It’s an incredibly frustrating cycle. Covert narcissists give false promises and are skilled at keeping you hooked by dangling just enough hope to keep you from walking away. They might promise to communicate better, attend therapy, or stop certain toxic behaviors. And for a little while, they might follow through, just enough to make you think things are getting better.
Why Do They Make False Promises?
Covert narcissists give false promises as a tool to maintain control. They know you’re invested in the relationship, and offering just enough hope keeps you in right where they want you, still in a relationship with them. However, true change requires accountability and consistent effort, something they’re rarely willing to give.
“A narcissist’s apology or promise of change often comes with an expiration date. It’s a means to an end—to keep you invested in the relationship—not a genuine commitment to growth.”
Watch a video from Dr. Ramani on Narcissistic Apologies and Change by clicking here.
"I Don’t Deserve Love": The Trauma Rooted in Staying
If you’re stuck in this dynamic, it’s not because you’re weak or naïve, it’s likely because of a negative core belief, such as “I don’t deserve love.” This belief often stems from unresolved trauma, like childhood neglect (emotional or physical) or emotional abuse, which wires your brain to tolerate unhealthy relationships. But Mariah… I had a great childhood. I had a home, my parents were together, I had clothes, food, friends, etc… I hear this ALL THE TIME in therapy sessions.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS?
One client shared this:
“Every time I tell them I’m done, they beg me to stay and say they’ll change. I feel guilty leaving, like I’m the one who failed.”
In therapy, we explored how this guilt wasn’t actually about their partner, it was about their own belief that they didn’t deserve unconditional love and had to earn it by staying in difficult situations.
“When we don’t believe we are enough, we may struggle to accept the love we deserve. This belief shows up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or hiding our true selves.”
What Keeps You Hooked?
1. The Hope for Change
Covert narcissists give false promises, just enough breadcrumbs of change, to keep you in the relationship. They might suddenly be attentive, apologize profusely, or make a grand gesture. But this isn’t growth, it’s a tactic.
Therapy can help you differentiate between real change and manipulative promises. True growth involves consistent actions over time, not temporary efforts to keep you from leaving. When actions don’t match words, it is manipulation.
2. Fear of Being Alone
The belief “I’ll never find anyone better” is another powerful belief that keeps you stuck. Covert narcissists may even reinforce this by subtly eroding your confidence over time.
A client once shared, "I start to feel like I'm constantly second-guessing myself, like I'm never doing enough or saying the right thing. They make comments that make me feel small, but at first, I thought it was just me being sensitive. They make me feel like everything I do or feel is wrong. I never used to feel this insecure, but now it's like I’m always walking on eggshells."
In therapy, we unpack where this belief originated. Often, it stems from early experiences (yes, childhood) where your worth felt conditional or tied to others’ approval. But, I had a great childhood? I hear this all the time. You may have had a great childhood but were your emotional needs met?
3. Guilt and Obligation
Covert narcissists are masters at flipping the script, making you feel responsible for their unhappiness. If you’ve ever thought, “I can’t leave; they’ll fall apart without me,” know this is a manipulation tactic, not a reflection of reality. The classic guilt trip. They want to keep you in a position where you're emotionally tied to them, making you believe that if you leave, they will "fall apart" or be unable to cope.
They make you feel like you're the only one who can "fix" them. Over time, this can create doubt, you prioritize their well-being over your own, which can lead to self-sacrifice and, ultimately, emotional exhaustion.
Therapy can teach you how to set internal boundaries and prioritize your well-being without carrying the emotional weight of someone else’s choices. Internal boundaries with a narcissist means learning to protect your own emotions and values, so even when they try to manipulate or guilt-trip you, you don’t let it affect your sense of self or control how you respond. If you don’t know what internal boundaries are click this link to read more about it.
How Therapy Helps You Break Free
Working with a trauma-informed therapist (like me!), especially someone who understands covert narcissists false promises, can be life-changing. Here’s how:
1. Recognizing the Cycle
Therapy helps you identify the patterns of manipulation and false promises. For example, instead of focusing on what your partner says, we shift your attention to what they consistently do.
“They keep saying they’ll go to therapy, but never schedule an appointment. What does that tell you about their commitment to change?”
2. Rebuilding Your Core Beliefs
We work on transforming “I don’t deserve love” into “I deserve love that is safe, consistent, and fulfilling.” Through this process, you learn to value yourself enough to walk away from toxic relationships.
2. Setting Internal Boundaries
What does this mean? It means learning to protect your emotional space even when your partner tries to push your buttons or manipulate you. Internal boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they're about protecting your peace and staying true to your values.
It sounds like telling yourself, "I don’t have to absorb their mood," or "I can choose not to engage in their drama."
I’ll help you develop the strength to maintain your sense of self, regardless of what’s happening around you, so you can navigate these dynamics without losing yourself.
4. Reclaiming Your Voice
Living with a covert narcissist can make you feel like you've lost touch with who you truly are. In therapy, we'll work together to rebuild your confidence and help you trust your inner voice again. You deserve to be heard, to trust yourself, and to stand strong in your truth, this is your journey to reclaiming your power.
The Truth About Growth: What It Is and Isn’t
What Growth Isn’t
Temporary changes that fade when the pressure is off.
Promises without action.
Shifting blame to you or someone/something else.
What Growth Is
Acknowledging harmful behavior without deflecting.
Taking consistent, measurable steps to improve.
Demonstrating respect for your boundaries and feelings.
“You deserve more than empty words.”
A Life Beyond False Promises
Breaking free from the grip of a covert narcissist’s false promises isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely possible, and therapy can be your most powerful tool. Imagine this:
Waking up without the constant anxiety of walking on eggshells.
Rediscovering hobbies, friendships, and goals that bring you joy.
Building a relationship with yourself that’s based on love and respect.
You deserve a life that isn’t tied to someone else’s manipulation. You deserve love that is real, reciprocal, and safe. But Mariah… I don’t even know what that is! That’s where therapy can help.
Why Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in Pittsburgh Matters
Many individuals ask, ‘How do I recover from narcissistic abuse in Pittsburgh?’ Understanding how covert narcissists operate is the first step to breaking their cycle. Click here to learn more about Narcissistic Abuse Therapy.
Are you ready to break free from the cycle of false promises?
If you're feeling stuck in a cycle of broken promises and emotional manipulation, it’s so important to work with a therapist who truly understands the dynamics of covert narcissism. If you’re not sure if your partner has these traits keep reading more of my blog by clicking here. Ready to break free from covert narcissistic control? Schedule a consultation for narcissistic abuse recovery in Pittsburgh and start reclaiming your life.
As a trauma-informed therapist, I’ll help you uncover the core beliefs that keep you trapped in these unhealthy patterns, like the feeling that you’re not worthy of true love or respect. If you’re feeling trapped by false promises, a trauma-informed counselor in Pittsburgh can help you recognize covert manipulation and regain your independence. You deserve better, and with the right support, we can make it happen. Click here to start your healing journey today.
How can I tell if a covert narcissist is using false promises to keep me hooked?
Covert narcissists often show just enough effort to make it seem like they’re changing, like agreeing to attend couples or individual therapy or momentarily changing a problematic behavior, but these “improvements” rarely last. Over time, you’ll notice a pattern: plenty of promises, few lasting results, and a sense that you’re still walking on eggshells. If their words consistently fail to match their actions, it’s a key sign you’re dealing with false promises (and manipulation).
Why do I keep believing a covert narcissist’s promises, even though they never truly change?
Emotional investment, fear of being alone, and beliefs about not deserving real love can make you cling to hope. Covert narcissists use these insecurities, through guilt, obligation, and occasional kindness to convince you that “next time” will be different. Recognizing these patterns, and understanding where they come from, that can help you break free.
Is it possible for a covert narcissist to genuinely change, or are all their promises just manipulation?
While anyone can change with genuine effort, covert narcissists rarely show consistent, sustained growth. They can offer temporary improvements that quickly fade once they feel secure in keeping you close. Real change involves accountability, true empathy, and long-term effort. If you’re seeing excuses, backpedaling, or blaming others, it’s likely manipulation rather than authentic change.
How can therapy help me stop falling for a covert narcissist’s false promises?
A trauma-informed therapist who specializes in understanding narcissism or toxic relationships can help you recognize the manipulation cycle, identify the core beliefs that keep you stuck, and rebuild your self-worth. Through therapy, you learn to set internal boundaries, trust your instincts, and differentiate between real growth and empty words. This support helps you to protect your emotional well-being and make decisions aligned with your own values and needs.
What steps can I take to rebuild my life after ending a relationship with a covert narcissist?
Recovery involves reconnecting with your own identity, rediscovering what brings you joy, and learning how to trust yourself again. Therapy helps you challenge your negative core beliefs, develop healthy relationship expectations, and set stronger boundaries. Over time, you learn to reclaim your voice, build your self-esteem, and create a life free from emotional manipulation and false promises.
