Why Do I Miss My Toxic Ex? The Psychology Behind Trauma Bonds
I’ve seen trauma bonds in some of the darkest places. Places where you’d think love wouldn’t survive, let alone thrive. But here’s the thing, trauma bonds aren’t love. They’re survival. And nowhere did I see that more clearly than when I worked in a prison. We’re going to explore the 4 signs of a trauma bond and what steps to take to break it.
The Prison Love Story No One Talks About
I watched staff, guards, counselors, even seasoned officers, get involved in toxic, manipulative, ride-or-die relationships with inmates. These weren’t just casual flings or prison pen-pal romances. This was deep psychological enmeshment, the kind that looks a hell of a lot like what my clients experience with toxic exes.
It usually started the same way. A correctional officer would show up, confident and by the book. But then an inmate would start reading them like a goddamn novel, finding their weaknesses, their loneliness, their need for validation. And before they knew it, they were hooked.
It wasn’t the inmate’s bad side that got them. It was the good moments. The times when they felt seen, special, chosenin a way no one else made them feel. Maybe it was a simple, “You’re different from the others.” Maybe it was a story about how they were misunderstood, how no one believed in them. And maybe, just maybe, the officer started believing they could be the one to save them. Sound familiar?
They’d start covering for the inmate, making excuses, even smuggling in contraband. Risking their jobs, their reputations, their damn freedom. And the worst part? They knew it was toxic. They knew they were being manipulated. But the high of those good moments? Unmatched.
Then, of course, came the crash. The moment the inmate turned on them, discarded them, betrayed them, got what they needed and moved on to the next. And suddenly, the officer was left in the wreckage, wondering, How the hell did I get here?
And that’s when it hit me. This is exactly what happens in toxic relationships outside of prison.
A trauma bond is not love. It’s an emotional attachment built through abuse, manipulation, and unpredictable reinforcement. It’s why you can know, logically, that someone is hurting you, but still crave them like a drug.
Toxic relationships have a pattern:
Love-bombing: They shower you with affection, make you feel special.
Devaluation: Slowly, the insults start. The silent treatment. The pushing and pulling.
Intermittent Reinforcement: One day they’re amazing, the next they’re cruel. You never know which version you’re going to get and your brain gets addicted to the chase.
Discard: When they’re done, they leave you feeling empty, questioning your worth, wondering how you could ever get them back.
Sound familiar? This is the same cycle I watched play out in prison.
A study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress found that relationship variables, such as total abuse, intermittent abuse, and power imbalances, accounted for 55% of the variance in attachment strength among individuals in abusive relationships. In other words? More than half of people in toxic relationships develop deep emotional attachments to their abuser, making it incredibly difficult to leave.
If your ex treated you like trash, why do you still want them? Because your brain is wired to seek familiarity over happiness.
You know that feeling when they pull away just enough to make you crave their love again? That’s not an accident, it’s intermittent reinforcement. Research shows that inconsistent abuse patterns actually make victims more emotionally attached to their abuser, not less. The uncertainty of whether you'll get affection or cruelty keeps the brain locked in a cycle of hope and desperation.
Dopamine & Cortisol: The highs and lows of a toxic relationship trigger the same chemical response as a drug addiction. You’re literally withdrawing from them.
Intermittent Reinforcement: You’re not in love with them. You’re addicted to the possibility of getting that good version of them back.
Unresolved Childhood Wounds: If chaos feels like home, your brain mistakes it for love.
This is why logic alone won’t save you. You need a real strategy to break free.
People often ask, "Why don’t they just leave?" But leaving isn’t just about walking away, it’s about rewiring the brain. Studies show that victims of trauma bonds develop an emotional dependence on their abuser due to the cycle of abuse alternating with affection. This is what makes breaking free so damn hard, the brain mistakes survival for love.
These stats aren’t just research, they’re proof that you’re not crazy, weak, or overreacting. Trauma bonds hijack your brain chemistry, trapping you in a cycle that feels impossible to break. But here’s the thing: You don’t have to stay stuck.
No Contact (or Limited Contact): Treat them like the addiction they are, block, delete, go ghost.
Name the Pattern: Write down every time they made you feel small. When you see the cycle, you stop romanticizing the highs.
Rewire Your Brain: Instead of focusing on “what if,” ask yourself: Would I want this for someone I love?
Do the Deep Work: This isn’t just about them. This is about the part of you that craves dysfunction. That’s what needs healing.
Get Support: Trauma bonds don’t break overnight. That’s why I offer trauma therapy intensives, to help you break free for good.
This is your wake-up call…
I know you’ve been stuck in your head, trying to logic your way out of this. If thinking about it was enough, you’d be free by now. But here you are—still spiraling, still missing them, still replaying every “good moment” like it somehow cancels out the damage.
Let’s get real: Trauma bonds don’t break with time. They break when you take action.
That’s exactly why I created my Trauma Therapy Intensives—because waiting and “figuring it out” is what keeps people stuck for years. You need a plan, a system, a f*cking exit strategy.
Here’s how we do this, together:
90-Minute Assessment: We uncover exactly why you’re stuck, how this trauma bond formed, and what’s keeping you emotionally hooked. (Hint: It’s deeper than “love.”)
90-Minute Intensive: This is where we rewire your nervous system, process the emotional addiction, and create a clear AF path forward. Using IFS, EMDR, nervous system regulation, and inner child work, we break the hold this person has on you so you can breathe again.
FREE 45-Minute Follow-Up Session: Because healing doesn’t end after one session. We integrate everything, make sure you’re feeling solid, and adjust as needed.
Real Talk: My clients leave these intensives feeling lighter, clearer, and finally in control.
One client told me she walked in feeling like she’d “never get over him” and left knowing exactly what she needed to do next, without second-guessing.
Another client realized she wasn’t just grieving her ex, she was grieving the childhood wounds that made her crave that chaos in the first place. That clarity changed everything.
One more? A high-achieving client who had it “together” in every area except this one finally saw why she kept attracting the same toxic dynamic, and how to break the cycle for good.
If you’re in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, or anywhere in Pennsylvania, my trauma therapy intensives are available virtually so you can heal from home.
1.Why do I still miss my toxic ex even though they hurt me?
Your brain is chemically wired to crave what feels familiar, even when it’s harmful. Trauma bonds mimic addiction, it’s not love, it’s withdrawal.
2. How long does it take to break a trauma bond?
It varies. Some people feel relief in a few months, others need focused trauma work to fully rewire their brain. Healing isn’t linear, but it is possible.
3. Can a trauma bond turn into a healthy relationship?
If the relationship involved narcissistic abuse, no. If it was due to mutual unhealed trauma, deep therapy is required. But toxic love rarely turns healthy.
4. What is the fastest way to heal from a trauma bond?
Structured healing. Trauma therapy intensives help you break the cycle fast and finally feel free.
5. How do I know if I am trauma bond?
If you feel obsessively attached to someone who hurts you, lies to you, or keeps you in a cycle of highs and lows, you’re likely in a trauma bond.
6. What are the most common inmate manipulation tactics?
Inmates who manipulate staff use psychological control to gain favors, protection, or even help escaping. This is the same dynamic seen in toxic relationships.
The Most Common Inmate Manipulation Tactics:
✔ Love-Bombing & Grooming – “You’re the only one who really understands me.”
✔ Playing the Victim – “I was wrongfully accused. You’re the only one who believes me.”
✔ Gaslighting – “I never said that. You must be imagining things.”
✔ Exploiting Sympathy – “If you cared about me, you’d help me.”
✔ Creating Dependence – They isolate staff, making them feel special or needed.
Sound familiar? That’s because these same tactics are used by narcissists, abusers, and toxic partners to manipulate relationships. Don’t fall for it. Whether it’s an inmate or an ex, manipulation is manipulation.
You’re not crazy, you were conditioned.
I’ve seen some of the strongest people get trapped in trauma bonds. You are not weak. You are not stupid. You are not crazy. You are human. And you can break free.
If this hit home, you don’t have to do this alone. I offer trauma therapy intensives designed to help you stop missing them, stop overanalyzing, and start healing, all from the comfort of your home.
This Is Your Moment. Do Something About It.
You don’t need more time, more thinking, or another night of stalking their social media. You need a breakthrough. And that’s what we’re doing in this intensive.
I have three intensive spots left for the month of February. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. If you're in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, or anywhere in Pennsylvania, we can work together virtually.
You deserve more than survival. You deserve peace.
Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP
