Why You Can Fix Everyone Else's Problems But Feel Lost With Your Own Emotions

You’re the person everyone counts on. At work, you’re the problem-solver, calm under pressure, decisive, and dependable. Your friends come to you for advice, knowing you’ll have the solution. You’re the glue holding everything and everyone together. But behind closed doors, it’s a different story.

Inside, you feel overwhelmed, disconnected, and unsure of how to fix your own emotions. It’s as if you’ve built a image of success and confidence to mask the storm of emotions brewing underneath. Sound familiar? If you’re nodding along, keep reading, because this is about IFS therapy for emotional self-healing and how it can help you finally feel whole.

Why Do You Feel So Lost When It Comes to Yourself?

Let’s get real: why is it so easy to solve everyone else’s problems but feel paralyzed when it comes to your own? A friend of mine put it this way:

"At work, I’m unstoppable. I can handle a million crises at once. But when I get home and sit with my own thoughts, I feel completely lost. I don’t even know where to start."

This disconnect isn’t a flaw or a failure on your part. It’s what happens when unresolved trauma and perfectionism are hidden beneath the surface. You’ve spent so much time focusing outward, achieving, solving, fixing, that your inner emotional world has been neglected. The result? You feel confused and lost, unsure of how to even begin addressing your own needs. Read why feeling like you are not good enough for yourself or others can impact your relationships by clicking here.

Are You Wearing the "Fixer" Mask?

“Stop pretending everything’s fine when you know it’s not. You’ve been holding onto this shit for way too long.
”

— Your trauma therapist, Mariah

High achievers often wear masks to hide what’s really going on inside. The "Fixer" mask is one of the most common. It’s the role you’ve mastered, being the person who has it all together, who makes life easier for everyone else. But here’s the truth:

• Being the Fixer distracts you from your own pain. If you’re constantly putting out other people’s fires, you don’t have to face your own feelings.

• The Fixer role reinforces the idea that your worth is tied to what you can do for others, not who you are.

• This mask isolates you. No one sees the real you because you’re too busy playing the part.

Sound familiar?

If so, it’s time to ask yourself a hard question:

What would it look like to take off the mask?

The Cost of Avoiding Your Own Emotional World

On the surface, your life might look perfect. You’ve checked all the boxes: career, stability, success. But beneath the perfect image, something’s missing. Your relationships feel one-sided, leaving you emotionally drained. You’re constantly giving 110%, yet you can’t shake the feeling of emptiness.

My friend described it like this: "I’ve done everything right. I’ve built this amazing life, but it feels empty. It’s like I’m running on autopilot and don’t even know who I am anymore."

This is where IFS therapy for emotional self-healing comes in. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy helps you understand why you feel so disconnected and teaches you how to reconnect with yourself in a way that’s both empowering and transformative.

What Is IFS Therapy?

IFS therapy is an evidenced-based approach that views your mind as a system of parts, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and roles. You can read more about IFS therapy by clicking here but, if you want the short version think of it like this:

• The Fixer: The part of you that thrives on solving problems for others.

• The Critic: The part that constantly tells you you’re not good enough.

• The Protector: The part that keeps you from getting hurt by shutting down emotionally.

These parts aren’t bad. They’re just trying to help you survive. But when they take over, they can leave you feeling fragmented and disconnected. IFS therapy helps you:

1. Identify these parts and understand their roles.

2. Build a relationship with your "Self", the calm, grounded core of who you are.

3. Heal wounded parts that are carrying pain from past experiences.

Why Therapy Is the Game-Changer You Need

Let’s be honest: you can’t "logic" your way out of emotional pain. Reading books, listening to podcasts, and scrolling through Instagram for advice can be helpful, but they’re not enough. Why?

Because transformation requires more than information, it requires action, support, and a space to unpack what’s really going on beneath the surface.

One client shared this insight after two therapy sessions: "I thought I could fix myself by just working harder, reading more, meditating more, doing more. But therapy showed me that I needed to stop doing and start feeling. That’s where the real change happened."

Trauma therapy provides:

• A safe space to explore your emotions without judgment.

• Expert guidance to help you navigate your inner world.

• Accountability to keep you moving forward, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What Growth Is (And Isn’t)

Growth Is:

• Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of avoiding them.

• Recognizing that your worth isn’t tied to your achievements.

• Building deeper, more authentic relationships by letting people see the real you.

• Feeling more connected to yourself and your needs.

Growth Isn’t:

• A quick fix or linear process.

• About "fixing" yourself (you’re not broken!).

• Ignoring your pain or pushing through it without support.

• Pretending everything is fine when it’s not.

The Transformation You Deserve

Imagine this:

You wake up feeling calm and grounded. The anxious voice in your head, the one that used to criticize your every move, is quieter now. When challenges show up, you don’t feel like you have to solve everything alone. You’ve learned to lean on others and, more importantly, on yourself.

Your relationships feel balanced and fulfilling. You’re no longer carrying the weight of everyone else’s problems. And when emotions surface, even the hard ones, you know how to handle them with compassion instead of avoidance.

This is what’s possible with IFS therapy for emotional self-healing. It’s not about becoming a different person. It’s about uncovering the person you already are beneath the masks.

Ready to Take the First Step?

You don’t have to keep living like this, constantly giving to others while feeling lost within yourself. IFS therapy can help you:

• Reconnect with your emotions in a way that feels safe and empowering.

• Understand the parts of you that feel stuck or overwhelmed.

• Build the confidence to show up authentically in your relationships and your life.

Let’s Work Together

As a trauma-informed therapist specializing in high achievers and unfulfilling relationships, I’ve helped countless individuals (like you) navigate these exact struggles. With IFS therapy, you can finally stop "fixing" and start healing.

Visit Zen with Zur to learn more about how we can work together. Or schedule your free consultation today to take the first step toward emotional healing.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, and how does it work?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a type of therapy that views your mind as a collection of "parts," each with its own thoughts, emotions, and roles. These parts may include the Fixer, the Critic, or the Protector, all working to help you cope in different ways. By understanding and healing the wounded parts carrying pain from past experiences, IFS therapy empowers you to feel more balanced, connected, and emotionally whole.

2. How can IFS therapy help me if I feel lost and overwhelmed with my own emotions?

IFS therapy helps you identify the parts of you that feel stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected. For example, the part of you that constantly fixes others' problems might be working overtime to avoid dealing with your own feelings.

Through IFS, you can learn to listen to and understand these parts without judgment. By doing so, you can begin to heal from the root cause of your emotional struggles and build a stronger connection with yourself, gaining clarity and calm in the process.

3. Can IFS therapy help high achievers who feel unfulfilled despite their success?

Absolutely. High achievers often struggle with feelings of emptiness, self-doubt, or disconnection, even when their external lives look perfect. IFS therapy helps you uncover the inner dynamics driving these feelings.

For instance, you might discover a part of you that believes your worth is tied to your achievements. IFS allows you to explore and heal these beliefs, helping you find fulfillment and balance in both your personal and professional life.

How to Handle Narcissistic In-Laws During the Holidays Without Losing It

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws at Christmas can take the joy right out of the holiday season. You’re bracing for what you know is going to happen: passive-aggressive comments, attention-seeking antics, and a complete disregard for boundaries. Sound familiar? Let’s break down how to navigate this festive disaster without losing your sanity or your holiday spirit.

Why Do Narcissists Make Holidays a Nightmare?

Ever wondered why your narcissistic in-laws can’t just let Christmas be about joy and connection? Here’s the truth, narcissists view holidays as the ultimate stage to perform their greatest hits. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), narcissistic traits like entitlement, lack of empathy, and a need for admiration tend to escalate during emotionally charged times like the holidays, click here to read more.

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws at Christmas becomes even more challenging because, the holiday season should be about togetherness and giving, unfortunately threatens their fragile ego and need for validation. So, they double down on behaviors that leave you drained, whether it’s making sure they’re in spotlight, creating drama, or sabotaging everyone else’s joy. Understanding their playbook is the first step to protecting yourself.

What’s It Really Like to Spend Christmas with Narcissistic In-Laws?

You’ve spent hours decorating your home to perfection, creating a cozy holiday ambiance. As soon as they walk in, your narcissistic mother-in-law smirks and says, “Oh, this reminds me of that quaint little rental we stayed at last year. So charming.” Translation? “Your efforts are amateur at best.”

Meanwhile, your father-in-law is regaling everyone with exaggerated tales of his glory days, interrupting conversations and dismissing any topic that doesn’t revolve around him. You’re left feeling invisible, your achievements overshadowed, and your patience hanging by a thread.

These scenarios aren’t just annoying; they’re emotionally exhausting. Dealing with narcissistic in-laws at Christmas often leaves people feeling unseen, unheard, and questioning their worth. But you don’t have to let them steal your holiday joy.

How Do You Stop the Madness?

Here are three therapist-approved strategies to reclaim your peace and sanity this Christmas:

1. Set Boundaries Like Your Sanity Depends on It (Because It Does)

Boundaries aren’t just for your in-laws; they’re for you too. Before the holiday gathering, decide what behaviors you’re willing to tolerate and what crosses the line. Then, communicate these boundaries clearly and confidently. For example:

• Boundary: “We’ll open gifts as a family at 10 a.m. If you’re late, we’ll start without you.”

• Reinforcement: When they inevitably show up at 10:30, follow through without guilt.

Pro Tip: Don’t over-explain. Narcissists thrive on loopholes and manipulation. Keep it short and firm. As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”. If you aren’t sure on what boundaries are, you can read more here.

2. Don’t Engage in Their Drama (Even When It’s Tempting)

When your narcissistic in-laws start stirring the pot, it’s easy to feel the pull to defend yourself. Resist the urge. Narcissists are experts at baiting you into conflicts they’ve engineered to make you look unreasonable and crazy.

• Example Drama: “Why didn’t you consult me before choosing this year’s menu? I would have done it differently.”

• Your Response: “Thanks for your input. Everything’s already set, but I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

Sarcasm can be your secret weapon. Use it sparingly to diffuse tension and remind yourself that their opinion isn’t gospel. “Oh, I didn’t realize the Christmas police were here. Let me grab my citation book.”

3. Focus on What You Can Control (Hint: It’s Not Them)

You can’t control their behavior, but you can control your reaction. Create a mental checklist of techniques to use when their behavior gets under your skin:

• Deep Breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four. Repeat until your heartbeat slows.

• Mantras: Silently repeat affirmations like, “I’m not responsible for their happiness,” or, “Their drama is not mine to carry.”

• Exit Strategy: Plan a “graceful out” if things become unbearable. “I need to check on the kids” or “Time to take a walk” can save your sanity.

Remember: their behavior says everything about them and nothing about you.

What Happens When You Finally Take Control?

Reclaiming your peace doesn’t mean the narcissists will change. In fact, they probably won’t. But it does mean you’ll stop giving them the power to dictate your emotions and experiences.

High-achieving clients often tell me, “I’ve mastered everything else in my life, why can’t I fix this?” Here’s the truth: you’re not broken, and you’re not failing. Dealing with narcissistic in-laws at Christmas may feel like an uphill battle because they are masters of chaos, but you’re stronger than their mind games.

The Final Word: It’s Your Holiday Too

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws at Christmas doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your joy. By setting firm boundaries, refusing to engage in their drama, and focusing on your own peace, you can take back control of the holiday season. Yes, they’ll push back. Yes, they’ll test you. But here’s the silver lining: every time you stand firm, you’re one step closer to reclaiming your life.

So, let them critique your decorations. Let them pout when they’re not the center of attention. You’ve got bigger things to focus on, like enjoying the eggnog and finally having a Christmas that feels like yours.

For more tips on navigating narcissistic relationships, check out Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and start creating boundaries that last.

How to Stop Gaslighting Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

Do You Feel Like You’re Losing Trust in Your Own Mind?
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Maybe I’m too sensitive,” or *“What if it’s my fault?” after leaving a narcissistic relationship? You’re not alone. Gaslighting doesn’t just twist your reality in the moment, it can leave lasting emotional pain, making you question everything about yourself days, weeks or years after the abuse ends. For instance, a recent survey by the National Domestic Violence Hotline found that 74% of female survivors reported experiencing gaslighting, often leading to long-term self-doubt and anxiety.

This internal battle is called self-gaslighting, when you start doubting your thoughts, emotions, and memories because of the manipulation you’ve endured, and it’s one of the most painful parts of healing from narcissistic abuse. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to live like this forever. By understanding what self-gaslighting is, why it happens, and how to stop it, you can reclaim control of your life. Let’s explore how recovering from gaslighting in narcissistic relationships is possible.

What Is Self-Gaslighting and Why Does It Happen?

Self-gaslighting is when you internalize the manipulative voice of your abuser, causing you to question your own reality. It’s not just doubting what happened in the past; it’s doubting your own feelings, memories, and instincts in the present.

One client once told me: “Even when I remember the fights clearly, I find myself thinking, ‘Maybe I’m exaggerating.’ It’s like I don’t trust my own brain anymore.”

This happens because narcissistic abuse rewires your thinking. Gaslighting, the repeated denial of your reality, conditions you to believe someone else’s version of events. Over time, their voice becomes your inner critic. It’s keeps playing on repeat inside of your head.

Recovering from gaslighting in narcissistic relationships means identifying this inner critic and understanding that it isn’t your true voice. Therapy can help you begin this work by teaching you how to differentiate between the manipulative stories you are telling yourself and your authentic self.

Why You Keep Tolerating the Cycle

Why Didn’t I Leave Sooner?

Survivors of narcissistic abuse often carry guilt and shame for staying, but the reasons go deeper than just leaving, you stay because it’s survival instinct.

• Trauma Bonding: Narcissistic relationships are an emotional rollercoaster. After intense criticism or devaluation, love-bombing and apologies feel like relief. This keeps you hooked, hoping for the good times to return.

• Isolation and Shame: Abusers often isolate their victims, making you feel like no one else understands or cares. One client shared, “They convinced me that everyone else was toxic, so I didn’t trust anyone to help.”

Understanding why you tolerated the cycle isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about acknowledging the psychological traps that kept you there. One common trap is trauma bonding, where moments of affection or "love-bombing" from the narcissist create a sense of hope that things will improve. Ready more about trauma bonding by clicking here. This rollercoaster dynamic can leave you clinging to the rare good times, even when the bad far outweighs them. Therapy provides the tools to recognize and break these patterns, empowering you to take the first steps toward recovering from gaslighting in narcissistic relationships with confidence.

Rebuilding Self-Trust After Narcissistic Abuse

“How Can I Trust Myself Again?”

The first step in recovery is recognizing that what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Here’s how to begin reclaiming your inner voice:

1. Validate Your Experience: Journaling can help you sort through memories and feelings without judgment. Start with: “What do I remember, and how did it make me feel?”

2. Challenge Self-Doubt: When self-gaslighting thoughts show up, ask yourself, “Whose voice is this? Mine or theirs?”

3. Reconnect with Your Body: Grounding exercises, like deep breathing or mindful walking, can help you trust your physical self again.

One client shared: “For the first time in years, I can say, ‘This is how I feel,’ without apologizing for it. It feels so good.” Therapy supports these steps, ensuring a safe and structured path to recovering from gaslighting in narcissistic relationships.

Why Therapy Is Essential for Recovery

“Why Can’t I Heal on My Own?”

Self-help resources like TikTok, IG, or any social media account can provide valuable insights, but true recovery often requires the guidance of a therapist trained in narcissistic abuse. Here’s why:

• Understanding the Patterns: Therapy helps you unpack the reasons you stayed and the dynamics of the relationship without judgment.

• Rebuilding Self-Trust: Therapists guide you in challenging the internalized voice of your abuser and replacing it with your own.

• Specialized Knowledge: Not all therapists understand narcissistic abuse. A generalist might focus on communication issues instead of addressing the core dynamics of manipulation and gaslighting.

Therapy also creates a safe space to explore these issues with someone who can help you see the bigger picture, free from the twisted reality of past manipulation. It’s an important part of recovering from gaslighting in narcissistic relationships.

What Growth Looks Like: Life After Recovery

“What Changes When You Stop Gaslighting Yourself?”

Before recovery, life can feel like walking on eggshells even when the abuser is gone. But after recovery, you’ll notice significant changes in yourself and your life:

• Before: You replay every argument, questioning if you overreacted.

• After: You trust your emotions and accept them without judgment.

• Before: Setting boundaries feels selfish and impossible.

• After: Boundaries become a way to honor yourself and your needs.

Recovery isn’t about erasing what happened; it’s about stepping into a life where you feel confident, grounded, and empowered to trust your own instincts again. Imagine a future where your inner voice supports you, rather than doubts you, this is possible with the right support. Therapy provides the tools to help you create this change in your life. Many people experiencing self-gaslighting after narcissistic abuse benefit from IFS therapy in Pittsburgh, especially if they’re dealing with deep-rooted trauma.

How to Find a Trauma-Informed Counselor in Pittsburgh for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Ready to Stop Gaslighting Yourself?

If you’re wondering ‘How do I recover from narcissistic abuse in Pittsburgh?’ finding a local trauma-informed counselor is often the first crucial step. It’s time to take back control of your life and rebuild the trust you’ve lost in yourself. Therapy can help you untangle the confusion, challenge the lies, and create a future where your voice matters most.

Take the first step today. Visit Zen with Zur to learn more about how I can support you on your healing journey. Ready to stop gaslighting yourself and start healing? Schedule a consultation for narcissistic abuse recovery in Pittsburgh today. Let’s work together to break the cycle and reclaim your sense of self. For more insights on healing from manipulation, read our Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in Pittsburgh.

You deserve to feel whole, confident, and free again. Let’s get there together.

FAQs

What is self-gaslighting, and how can I recognize it?

Self-gaslighting occurs when you internalize the manipulative voice of an abuser, causing you to doubt your own thoughts, feelings, and memories. Signs of self-gaslighting include second-guessing your emotions, invalidating your own experiences, and constantly questioning your decisions. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward recovery.

How does therapy help with recovering from gaslighting in narcissistic relationships?

Therapy provides a safe space to unpack the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and its impact on your self-trust. A trained therapist can help you challenge the internalized voice of the abuser, rebuild confidence in your perceptions, and develop tools to trust yourself again. Specialized knowledge of narcissistic abuse ensures that your experiences are validated and understood.

What does recovery from narcissistic gaslighting look like?

Recovery involves learning to trust your instincts, setting healthy boundaries, and reconnecting with your authentic self. It’s about moving from a place of self-doubt and confusion to one of confidence and clarity. Through therapy, you’ll gain the tools to rebuild self-trust and live a life free from manipulation.

10 Covert Narcissistic Traits You’re Missing in Your Partner

“Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It’s so subtle you often don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s too late.”

— Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Are You Ignoring the Warning Signs of Covert Narcissism?

When clients come to session asking, “Why does my partner always make me feel like I’m the problem?” it’s a subtle yet glaring red flag. Covert narcissistic traits often blend into relationships, appearing supportive, kind, or even shy, until the cracks begin to show. Recognizing these traits isn’t just about understanding them; it’s about uncovering why you’ve tolerated them and learning how therapy can help you break free from the confusion.

What Makes Covert Narcissists So Hard to Spot?

Covert narcissistic traits in relationships thrive behind the scenes. Unlike overt narcissists who are loud and brash, covert narcissists manipulate quietly, making their behaviors harder to detect. Let’s break down 10 traits that may be behind the scenes in your relationship:

1. Do They Seem Perfect but Leave You Drained?

Clients often describe their partners as "too good to be true" in the beginning. One client said, “He would always say the right things, but I constantly felt like I had to walk on eggshells to keep him happy.” Instead of focusing on how "perfect" they seem, let’s explore why you feel the need to maintain their happiness at the expense of your own. This isn’t about their behavior, it’s about your tolerance of the imbalance. If you feel stuck or trapped, it may be from a negative core belief that you have to fix or save others to be worthy of love. Therapy can help you identify why you’ve internalized this role and empower you to set boundaries that prioritize your needs.

2. Are They Masters of Subtle Put-Downs?

Covert narcissists weaponize passive-aggressive comments to undermine your confidence. A client once said, “She always said I looked great ‘for my age.’ I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough.”
Instead of understanding why they say things like that let’s unpack why that comment stuck with you. Therapy helps you build the confidence to recognize that subtle digs are not acts of love, they’re tools of control. Feeling trapped in a dynamic like this often reflects a belief that you must accept criticism to keep the peace. Therapy can help you challenge this belief, building confidence in your self-worth and your right to expect kindness.

3. Do They Play the Victim Every Time?

Covert narcissists are skilled at making you feel like the villain. One client shared, “She would always turn arguments around to make me feel guilty, even when she was clearly in the wrong.” Why do you feel the need to over-explain or apologize for their behavior? Therapy can help you identify this pattern and create boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. This dynamic might perpetuate a belief that your success will always be overshadowed or dismissed. Therapy can help you reframe your belief to acknowledge that your accomplishments are valid and don’t require external validation from a partner, friend or co-worker.

4. Are They Secretly Competitive With You?

A covert narcissist might celebrate your success publicly while resenting it privately. One client confided, “When I got promoted, he acted happy, but then he started making snide remarks about how much I work.” Let’s explore how their behavior impacts your ability to celebrate your wins. If you feel stuck when your decisions are constantly second-guessed, it could stem from a fear of making mistakes. Therapy helps shift the focus back to your achievements and away from their insecurity.

5. Do They Never Seem to Be Fully Accountable?

A covert narcissist rarely takes responsibility, often masking it with excuses. A client once said, “She always says, ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ but never actually apologizes.” Feeling trapped here often connects to a belief that vulnerability equals weakness. Accountability matters in healthy relationships. Therapy can help you understand why their lack of apology feels so unsettling and how to stop seeking validation where it won’t be given. It can help you reclaim vulnerability as a strength and create safe spaces where it’s honored, not exploited.

6. Do They Use Your Empathy Against You?

Clients often say, “I feel guilty when I stand up for myself because they always remind me of their struggles.” Covert narcissists manipulate your compassion to keep you from prioritizing yourself.
This trait might leave you feeling stuck because you believe your worth is tied to keeping the relationship intact, even at the cost of self-respect. Your empathy is a gift, but it’s not a tool for others to exploit. Therapy can help you navigate how to give compassion without sacrificing your boundaries. It can help you shift toward a belief that mutual accountability is essential for healthy relationships.

7. Do They Make You Doubt Your Reality?

Covert narcissists are masters of gaslighting. One client said, “He would deny things he clearly said, and I started questioning my memory.” If you feel trapped in confusion or self-doubt, it might stem from a belief that you can’t trust your own judgment. Let’s focus on strengthening your trust in yourself. Therapy helps you rebuild confidence in your perceptions so you stop second-guessing your reality.

8. Are Their Promises Always Empty?

One client shared, “He promised to go to couples therapy but canceled every session at the last minute.” Covert narcissists use false promises to keep you hopeful without delivering change. Feeling stuck here often relates to a belief that love means self-sacrifice. Therapy isn’t just about understanding them, it’s about exploring why you continue to wait for promises that never come true.

9. Do They Expect Praise for Basic Efforts?

Covert narcissists often demand recognition for doing the bare minimum. A client said, “She wanted a thank-you for washing her own dishes.” If you feel trapped and isolated, it may stem from a belief that you must choose between love and independence. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, not one-sided gratitude. Therapy can help you shift your focus from over-appreciating small efforts to expecting real partnership.

10. Do They Keep You in a Fog of Confusion?

Clients frequently say, “I just don’t know where I stand with them.” Traits of a covert narcissist in relationships thrive on keeping you unsure, making it harder for you to leave. Feeling stuck when labeled as “too sensitive” might reflect a belief that your emotions are invalid or burdensome. Let’s explore why you’re holding onto uncertainty. Therapy can help you gain clarity, build confidence, and make decisions aligned with your values.

How Therapy Can Help You Break the Cycle

If you’ve nodded along to any of these traits, it’s time to ask yourself not just “What are they doing?” but “Why am I tolerating it?” You can read more about how to spot these unhealthy dynamics during the holiday, click here to read more. Therapy isn’t about fixing them, it’s about empowering you to recognize patterns, set boundaries, and prioritize your emotional well-being. Working with a trauma-informed counselor in Pittsburgh can help you identify covert narcissistic traits and develop healthier coping strategies.

I’ve worked with countless clients who’ve found freedom from toxic dynamics by shifting the focus from understanding their partner’s behavior to understanding their own needs. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Together, we’ll unpack the confusion, rebuild your self-worth, and help you create a life that feels safe, joyful, and authentically yours.

How to Find Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in Pittsburgh

If you’re searching ‘How do I recover from narcissistic abuse in Pittsburgh?’ connecting with a therapist trained in covert narcissism can be your first step.

Ready to Take the First Step?

Breaking free from a covert narcissist starts with understanding the dynamics at play and your role in tolerating them. Let’s work together to help you heal, grow, and thrive. Ready to address covert narcissism head-on? Book a session for narcissistic abuse recovery in Pittsburgh today and regain control of your life.

Click here to schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with a therapist who GETS IT.

FAQs

1. What Are the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse?

Many people struggle to recognize the subtle, manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist. This blog breaks down traits that may be hard to spot in your relationship.

2. How Do I Set Boundaries with a Narcissist?

Understanding why you tolerate toxic behavior is key. Learn how therapy can help you establish boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. Read more by clicking here.

3. Can Therapy Help Me Heal from Narcissistic Abuse?

Healing is possible. Discover how therapy focuses on rebuilding your self-worth and breaking free from unhealthy patterns. Learn more by clicking here.

7 Powerful Steps to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist Without Losing Your Cool

“What does the narcissistic person need?” The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation. How they go about getting that is where the narcissistic abuse comes in.”
― Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Why Is It So Hard to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist?

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “Why do I keep tolerating this?” or “Why can’t I just walk away?”, you’re not alone. Clients often ask me, “Why do I let them push me around?” The answer often lies in the trauma (yep, complex childhood trauma) we’ve experienced and the ways we’ve learned to cope with it. How to set boundaries with a narcissist begins with setting the internal boundaries we’ve neglected within ourselves.

So, let’s stop focusing on their behavior and start exploring why you tolerate it. Trauma therapy can help you learn why you tolerate this dynamic and teach you to create space to honor your needs in a relationship.

7 Steps to Setting Internal Boundaries with a Narcissist

1. What Are You Actually Tolerating?

Clients often say to me in session, “I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells.” My response? Let’s dig deeper. What are you afraid will happen if you stop?

Internal boundary tip: Write down every moment you say “yes” when you want to say “no.” Start to recognize your patterns of self-abandonment. For example, when they demand your attention at the last minute and you cancel plans to accommodate them, ask yourself: “Why am I saying yes when I don’t want too?”

It could sound something like this…

I can acknowledge their needs without ignoring my own. The next time I feel pressured to say ‘yes,’ I will pause and check in with myself: ‘Is this something I genuinely want to do?’ If not, I will say, ‘I can’t do that right now.’”

This shift in focus isn’t about controlling their behavior; it’s about valuing your time and emotional energy. When you start honoring yourself, you reclaim your power, one decision at a time (and this is how to set boundaries with a narcissist). It starts with just making one small actionable change.

2. Are You Confusing Peacekeeping with People-Pleasing?

Do you think avoiding conflict is the same as maintaining peace? Many clients tell me, “I don’t want to upset them.”But this often means you’re giving up your needs for someone else’s comfort.

Internal boundary tip: Pause and ask yourself, “Am I honoring myself in this situation?” If not, what small actionable step can I take to honor myself right now? For example, if you’re constantly agreeing to their plans even though you are exhausted, you could say, “I can’t make it tonight, but let’s talk tomorrow.”

“I can set limits without being unkind. I will remind myself that honoring my needs doesn’t make me selfish, it makes me human and whole. The next time I feel the urge to say ‘yes’ just to avoid conflict, I will practice saying, ‘I need to think about it first.’”

This simple pause breaks the automatic habit of people-pleasing and helps you focus on respecting your own needs. By practicing the skill of shifting your mindset, you redefine what peace really means, which is balance, not self-sacrifice.

3. How Do You Define Respect for Yourself?

Respect isn’t just about how others treat you, it’s about how you treat yourself. One client shared, “They keep ignoring what I say, but I don’t want to cause drama.” My reply: “How would life feel if you treated your voice like it deserves to be heard?”

Internal boundary tip: Practice identifying one area where your voice needs to be heard, and start speaking up for it with kindness but firmness. It could be as simple as saying, “I need some quiet time right now,” or as powerful as saying, “I don’t agree with how this is being handled.”

“I will remind myself that my voice matters, even if it’s uncomfortable to use it. The next time I feel dismissed, I will say, ‘I hear your perspective, but here’s what’s important to me.’”

When you start respecting your own voice, you show people that you expect the same from them. It’s not about causing drama; it’s about creating a life where your needs and feelings hold equal weight.

4. Are You Prioritizing Clarity Over Closure?

A common trap is seeking to “make sense” of a narcissist’s behavior. “Why do they act like this?” clients ask me all the time… Here’s the truth, understanding them or their behavior won’t set you free. Understanding yourself will.

Internal boundary tip: Shift from “Why are they doing this?” to “Why am I still here?” Journaling for 5 minutes a day can be a powerful tool for reframing your thoughts.

“I don’t need to solve the mystery of their behavior. My energy is better spent understanding my own motivations and choices. I will ask myself, ‘What am I afraid of if I leave, and how can I face that fear?’”

Prioritizing your clarity over closure gives you the power to take back your life (and this is how to set boundaries with a narcissist). Instead of chasing answers about them bydoom scrolling TikTok videos on narcissism, you start building a future that centers your well-being.

5. Are You Protecting Your Energy Like Your Life Depends on It?

Narcissists thrive on draining others, but your energy is your most valuable resource in this situation.

Internal boundary tip: Visualize a mental boundary, like a glass wall, between you and the chaos. It’s not your job to absorb their energy. Focus on maintaining your own calm. Do things that keep you in check so you can respond with logic instead of emotion.

“I will stay level-headed by grounding myself before interactions. If they provoke me, I’ll remind myself, ‘Their chaos doesn’t have to become mine.’ Instead of engaging, I’ll calmly state my boundary and walk away if necessary.”

By focusing on your own calm and logic, you take back control of how you respond, rather than reacting to their attempts to ‘poke the bear’. Protecting your energy isn’t selfish, it’s survival and it’s necessary.

6. Are You Checking in with Your Inner Child?

Many clients find their tolerance for narcissistic behavior stems from unmet childhood needs (yep, complex childhood trauma). One client shared, “I don’t want to feel abandoned again.”

Internal boundary tip: Practice self-compassion. Imagine speaking to the younger version of yourself and reassure that inner child in you, “I’ve got you now and I won’t abandon us.”

“When I feel triggered by their behavior, I will pause and ask myself, ‘What does my inner child need in this moment?’ I will remind myself that I am no longer powerless and that I can provide the safety and care my younger self really needed.”

By honoring your inner child, you start to heal the patterns that keep you stuck in toxic relationships. This connection helps you set boundaries not out of fear, but from a place of self-worth and self-love.

7. Do You Have the Support You Deserve?

You don’t have to do this alone. Setting internal boundaries requires unlearning and healing. Trauma therapy creates the safe space you need to rebuild your sense of self and your confidence to honor it.

“I will remind myself that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. I deserve it and it will help me honor myself to set the boundaries I need to thrive.”

With the right support system, whether it’s therapy, friends, co-workers or TikTok pages, you can gain the tools and confidence to not just set boundaries but to truly honor them. You deserve a life where your needs are prioritized, not dismissed.

What Trauma Therapy Can Do for You

Through trauma therapy, we work to unlearn the patterns that keep you stuck in unhealthy relationships. Instead of just managing the external chaos, we explore deep wounds and heal your inner world. Imagine if you could finally STOP overthinking and finally feeling grounded in who you are.

Ready to take the first step? I’m here to guide you. I’m Mariah (your trauma therapist) and I specialize in helping people like you heal from toxic relationships and reclaim their authentic selves.

Take Control of Your Healing

Click below to book a session or learn more about how trauma therapy can help you set boundaries and finally prioritize yourself. You deserve it!

www.zenwithzur.com

FAQ: Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist

Can a narcissist respect boundaries?

It’s unlikely unless it serves their needs or interests. That’s why setting internal boundaries will help you protect yourself emotionally.

How do I stop feeling guilty when setting boundaries?

Guilt often comes from old conditioning meaning we learned to experience this earlier in life. Temporary guilt is better than long-term resentment towards yourself or your partner.

What if they get angry when I set a boundary?

Their anger is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is honoring your needs, keeping yourself safe and staying calm.

Can trauma therapy help me deal with narcissistic relationships?

Absolutely. Trauma therapy helps you discover why you tolerate the behavior and gives you with tools to shift the dynamic.

What if I’m scared to set boundaries?

Fear is a normal human emotion. In therapy, we learn to take small actionable steps towards empowerment so you can build the confidence to assert yourself.

Why Feeling Never Good Enough Can Ruin Your Relationship: Here’s How to Stop

Have you ever felt like you're putting your heart and soul into a relationship, and you end up feeling like you're still not enough? No matter how hard you try or how much love you give, there's a voice inside that whispers, “you’re not good enough.” If you’ve can relate, you’re not alone. Many of my clients share this thought with me in therapy, and it can negatively impact your relationships, whether with a romantic partner, family, or even friends.

In this blog, we’ll explore why feeling never good enough in relationships is so common, what keeps this belief alive, and, most importantly, how to stop feeling this way. As a trauma-informed therapist, I’ll also share real-life examples from my therapy sessions to help you understand how this belief shows up and how working with a therapist who specializes in these issues can help you make change in your life.

What Is the “I Am Not Enough” Belief?

This feeling of being inadequate is a deep-driven belief, “I am not enough.” It can show up in many different ways, maybe feeling like you’re not good enough as a partner, a parent, a friend, or even as a person. This negative core belief often is from early experiences, particularly in childhood (yep, complex trauma), that shape how we view ourselves in relation to others.

I recently worked with a 60-year-old mother who felt this belief was the reason she had an estranged relationship with her adult child. She shared with me that even though she was trying her best to connect, love, and support them throughout their lives, her child no longer communicated with her. She believed that somehow, despite all her efforts, she had failed them, and this belief made her feel that she was not worthy of their love, respect and that relationship.

As a trauma-informed therapist, I was able to point out to her that her feelings of inadequacy were connected to this belief. It was something heavy that she had carried for decades, and it affected not only her relationship with her child but also her past romantic relationships and friendships. This belief can negatively impact your relationships, leaving you feeling unworthy of love, support, or understanding.

How Does Feeling “Not Good Enough” Show Up in Relationships?

Feeling never good enough in relationships doesn’t always show up as conflict or shutting down. It often shows up in small ways that break trust, intimacy, and communication. So, let’s explore a few examples of how this belief might show up in your life.

1. Constantly Seeking Validation

If you feel like you're not good enough, you might seek validation from your partner, coworkers or friends. You might seek compliments or need constant reassurance that they love and appreciate you. Unfortunately, this need for external validation often comes from an internal place of insecurity, and no amount of praise will ever truly fill that void. You have to find your worth in yourself.

I often hear clients say things like, “I just need him to tell me that I’m doing a good job,” or “Why can’t she just appreciate me more?” These statements show a deeper need for approval because the internal belief is that you are not enough as you are.

2. Overcompensating for Fear of Rejection

Another common pattern is overcompensating in relationships, maybe by doing more for your partner, friends, or family, or making extra sacrifices in an attempt to be “worthy” of love. This can make you feel burnout, resentment, or emotional exhaustion because, even though you are doing everything right, you still feel like you're not enough.

A client of mine once told me, “I’m always doing more than my partner. I make sure everything is perfect for him, and he still doesn’t seem happy.” Perfectionism and fear of rejection are driven by the belief that if she doesn't give more, she won’t be enough for her partner.

3. Avoiding Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy

The fear of not being good enough can stop emotional intimacy from forming in your relationships. This means if you feel like you're not worthy of love, you might keep your feelings hidden, afraid of rejection or judgment. What ends up happening is your relationship lacks depth and emotional connection that can come from open, vulnerable communication.

A client once said, “I’ve never told my wife how much I struggle with feeling inadequate. I’m scared if I do, she’ll think I’m weak.” Choosing to hide this is emotional avoidance, a common coping mechanism for those who fear that showing vulnerability will prove their belief that they’re not enough.

How to Stop Feeling Never Good Enough in Relationships

If you can relate with any of the scenarios above, it’s time to take action and change the story you have been telling yourself. How to stop feeling never good enough in relationships requires more than just positive affirmations, TikTok videos or self-help advice, it requires deeper, trauma-informed therapy. I’m going to give you some steps on how to take small actionable steps in changing this, keep reading.

1. Identify the Root of the Belief

The first step is to understand where the belief that you’re “not good enough” came from. In many cases, this belief started in your childhood or past trauma (and yes, most of my clients are unaware of this or argue they had a great childhood). Things like criticism, neglect, or emotional abandonment you experienced from caregivers or significant others reinforced this belief through experiences. In sessions, I guide clients through an exploration of their early relationships to uncover how these experiences shaped their current beliefs about themselves. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and not fun. But, it’s necessary for deeper healing and change.

For example, in the case of my 60-year-old client, we explored her relationship with her parents and how their emotional distance led her to internalize the belief that she was not worthy of love. Once we identified this root cause, we were able to begin challenging the belief and exploring ways to heal from it.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts with Compassionate Self-Talk

Once you’ve identified the origins of your belief, the next step is to challenge it. This requires shifting your perspective and showing compassion toward yourself. When the thought arises—“I’m not good enough”— ask yourself: “Is this true? Is this thought based on evidence or past experiences that I can let go of?”

I often work with clients to reframe their negative thoughts and replace them with more compassionate, balanced thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough for my partner,” try reframing it to: “I am worthy of love and respect, just as I am. I am not perfect, but I am enough.”

3. Create Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Many people who feel not good enough in relationships struggle with setting healthy boundaries. Without clear boundaries, you may overextend yourself to gain love or approval. This can lead to resentment and burnout. Healthy boundaries are crucial in preventing emotional exhaustion and building healthier relationships.

For instance, a client named Rachel worked with me to create boundaries in her relationship where she felt comfortable expressing her needs without feeling guilty. She learned that setting boundaries didn’t make her “selfish” or “unworthy”—it made her more emotionally available and healthier in the long run.

4. Seek Support from a Therapist Who Specializes in These Issues

Sometimes, working through deep-seated beliefs requires professional guidance. A therapist specializing in trauma, relationships, and self-worth can help you unpack these patterns and work through your emotional pain in a safe, supportive space. With the right tools and guidance, you can begin to unravel the negative beliefs that are holding you back and replace them with healthier, more empowering ones.

Working with a therapist like me, who specializes in trauma-informed care and relationship dynamics, can provide the personalized support you need to heal from the inside out. Therapy can help you explore why you’ve tolerated these beliefs for so long and how to create a healthier narrative in your relationships.

What Growth Looks Like and What It Doesn’t

It’s important to remember that growth isn’t about becoming “perfect” or achieving constant validation from others. Instead, growth is about becoming more self-aware, compassionate, and aligned with your authentic self. It's about understanding that you are enough, just as you are.

Growth doesn’t mean you will never struggle with feelings of inadequacy, but it does mean that you’ll have the tools to challenge those thoughts when they arise and not let them dictate your relationships. You’ll learn how to create meaningful connections, set boundaries, and practice self-compassion in a way that supports your well-being.

Take the First Step Toward Healing

How to stop feeling never good enough in relationships may seem like something that may never happen for you, but with the right support, it is entirely possible. It starts with understanding your beliefs about yourself and challenging it with compassion. Therapy can help you move through the story you have been telling yourself your whole life so you can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re not enough, consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed care and relationship healing (like me!). Together, we can work through your beliefs and help you build a future where you feel worthy, loved, and enough in all of your relationships.

1. What causes me to feel like I’m never good enough in relationships?

Feeling like you’re never good enough in relationships is often from negative core beliefs developed in childhood or early life experiences. It may stem from criticism, neglect, or emotional abandonment from significant figures such as parents or caregivers. These early experiences can lead to internalized beliefs like “I’m not worthy of love or respect,”which then affect how you interact in adult relationships.

2. How can therapy help me stop feeling like I’m not good enough?

Therapy helps by providing a safe space to explore this belief. A trauma-informed therapist can guide you in identifying where these feelings stem from and help you challenge them with healthier, more realistic thoughts. Therapy also teaches you coping mechanisms, such as self-compassion and boundary-setting, to help break the cycle of seeking validation from others. This means learning how to become your authentic self.

3. Why does feeling not good enough affect my relationships so much?

When you feel like you’re never enough, it often leads to unhealthy relationship dynamics such as seeking constant validation, overcompensating, or avoiding vulnerability. These behaviors can cause strain, misunderstandings, and emotional exhaustion. The belief that you're not good enough can make it difficult to trust your partner or set boundaries, which ultimately doesn’t allow for intimacy and genuine connection.

4. How do I challenge the “I’m not good enough” belief?

Start by acknowledging that this belief is not a reflection of reality but rather a learned pattern from past experiences. Replace negative self-talk with affirmations like, “I am enough as I am,” and examine past actions or circumstances in therapy that actually support the belief that you’re unworthy. Therapy can help you build new, healthier thought patterns and increase self-awareness so that you can challenge these beliefs in a productive, compassionate way.

5. Is it normal to struggle with feeling not good enough even after therapy?

Yes, totally normal! Your human and you can expect to experience setbacks when working through deep-seated beliefs like “I’m not good enough.” Healing takes time and requires consistent effort. However, therapy provides you with the tools to manage and challenge these feelings when they show up for you. Over time, with practice and support, you’ll be able to recognize these thoughts and replace them with healthier, more empowering beliefs that support your emotional growth and relationships.

The Secret to Saying ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty: A Step-by-Step Guide to Reclaiming Your Time

Are You Exhausted From Saying ‘Yes’ When You Want to Say ‘No’?

Have you ever caught yourself agreeing to bake something for a potluck, on top of working late and attending a family dinner, only to wonder why you feel so damn exhausted? Many clients share this struggle in therapy. They say things like:

• “If I don’t do it, who will?”

• “I feel like I’m letting everyone down if I say no.”

• “They’ll think I’m lazy or selfish if I set boundaries.”

Sound familiar? The truth is, saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ doesn’t just exhaust you physically; it also destroys your emotional peace. If you can relate, it’s time to explore how to set internal boundaries so you can start reclaiming your life.

What Are Internal Boundaries, and Why Are You Tolerating the Overload?

Internal boundaries are the limits you set within yourself to manage your energy, time, and emotional well-being. They’re the invisible walls that protect you from burnout and help you stay in alignment with what you value. So why do so many people struggle to maintain them?

Clients often try to make sense of why they keep tolerating the overload:

• “Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”

• “I don’t want people to think I’m difficult.”

But in therapy, I gently challenge this narrative:

“Instead of asking why you feel this way, what if we explored why you’ve been tolerating it?”

This shift helps clients stop intellectualizing (click here to learn what intellectualizing is) their feelings and start understanding the root of their behavior. Often, the fear of rejection or a deep-seated need for approval drives the guilt they feel when setting boundaries. Therapy helps you understand these underlying patterns and create space for lasting change.

What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries?

When you fail to set internal boundaries, the results are often more than just a packed schedule. Some of the other things you may experience are:

• Burnout: Constantly overcommitting leaves you physically and emotionally drained.

• Resentment: Agreeing to things you don’t want to do builds anger and frustration.

• Loss of Self: You stop prioritizing your needs, and your sense of who you are gets buried under obligations.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, it’s time to take action. Here’s how.

How Can You Set Internal Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty?

Step 1: Identify Your Values

Start by getting clear on what matters most to you. Ask yourself:

• What activities give me energy vs what sucks the life right out of me?

• How do I want to spend the time I do have?

Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion

Setting boundaries is hard, really hard. Especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. Remind yourself:

• “I’m not selfish; I’m saving my energy for what truly matters to me.”

• “Saying no to others means I am saying yes to myself.”

I often encourage clients to write these affirmations down and revisit them when guilt creeps in. Yes, guilt will creep in.

Step 3: Use the “No Sandwich” Technique

This skill is a game-changer for saying ‘no’ without guilt. Here’s how it works.

1. Start with kindness: Acknowledge the other person’s request.

2. State your boundary: Clearly and assertively decline.

3. End with gratitude or a solution: Thank them or offer an alternative.

Why Therapy Is Key to Mastering Internal Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t just about learning scripts or skills, it’s about understanding and healing the deeper patterns that keep you stuck. Therapy gives you,

• A Safe Space: To unpack childhood experiences that shaped your fear of saying ‘no.’

• Accountability: To practice and really get good at your boundary-setting skills.

• Tools for Growth: To explore your inner critic and build confidence in your choices.

One client, for example, struggled with guilt every time they set a boundary. Through therapy, we discovered this guilt stemmed from being raised in a household where their needs were often dismissed. Understanding this helped them release the shame and start setting boundaries unapologetically.

Reclaim Your Time and Energy Starting Today

Saying ‘no’ without guilt is possible, but it takes practice and intentionality. By focusing on how to set internal boundaries, you’re not just protecting your time, you’re living the life you want to live.

If you’re ready to do the work and truly understand why setting boundaries feels so hard, therapy can help. Let’s work together to help you discover your patterns, build the skills you need, and help you step into a life that you want to live. Schedule a free consultation today by clicking here.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some examples of setting boundaries without hurting someone's feelings?

Setting boundaries with empathy doesn’t mean tiptoeing around the truth. Use “I” statements, say what you need, and keep your tone kind but firm. For example, instead of telling someone “You’re always late,” try something like “I feel disrespected when I have to wait. Can we agree to be on time for meetings?” It’s all about communicating like an adult while still respecting your own needs.

How can I communicate my boundaries effectively to others?

Timing is everything, don’t pick a moment when you’re both running on fumes or knee-deep in chaos. Plan ahead, and make sure your tone is firm but respectful. For example, “Mom, I love you and I want to hang out, but I need a heads-up before you drop by. Let’s agree that you’ll call first so I can actually be present and not doing other things.”

How to set boundaries as a nice person?

Being nice doesn’t mean you have to throw your needs out the window like last season’s clothes. I know the temptation to make everyone happy is real, but here’s the thing, your comfort matters too. I’ve seen clients try to please everyone, and trust me, it’s a one-way ticket to burnout. Set your boundaries, speak up, and own what works for you, without guilt!

How Covert Narcissists Keep You Hooked: False Promises of Change + Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in Pittsburgh

Relationships with covert narcissists are a constant emotional rollercoaster, often with moments of hope that things will finally get better. But those moments often come and go, leaving you feeling drained, confused, and wondering why you keep holding on. Let’s explore how covert narcissists keep you hooked with false promises of change, the deeper emotional reasons behind tolerating this cycle, and how therapy can help you break free.

Are You Waiting for a Change That Never Comes?

One of the most common things shared in therapy from clients is this:

“They keep telling me they’ll change, but nothing ever really happens. Why do I keep believing them?”

It’s an incredibly frustrating cycle. Covert narcissists give false promises and are skilled at keeping you hooked by dangling just enough hope to keep you from walking away. They might promise to communicate better, attend therapy, or stop certain toxic behaviors. And for a little while, they might follow through, just enough to make you think things are getting better.

Why Do They Make False Promises?

Covert narcissists give false promises as a tool to maintain control. They know you’re invested in the relationship, and offering just enough hope keeps you in right where they want you, still in a relationship with them. However, true change requires accountability and consistent effort, something they’re rarely willing to give.

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“A narcissist’s apology or promise of change often comes with an expiration date. It’s a means to an end—to keep you invested in the relationship—not a genuine commitment to growth.”

— Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Watch a video from Dr. Ramani on Narcissistic Apologies and Change by clicking here.

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"I Don’t Deserve Love": The Trauma Rooted in Staying

If you’re stuck in this dynamic, it’s not because you’re weak or naïve, it’s likely because of a negative core belief, such as “I don’t deserve love.” This belief often stems from unresolved trauma, like childhood neglect (emotional or physical) or emotional abuse, which wires your brain to tolerate unhealthy relationships. But Mariah… I had a great childhood. I had a home, my parents were together, I had clothes, food, friends, etc… I hear this ALL THE TIME in therapy sessions.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS?

One client shared this:

“Every time I tell them I’m done, they beg me to stay and say they’ll change. I feel guilty leaving, like I’m the one who failed.”

In therapy, we explored how this guilt wasn’t actually about their partner, it was about their own belief that they didn’t deserve unconditional love and had to earn it by staying in difficult situations.

“When we don’t believe we are enough, we may struggle to accept the love we deserve. This belief shows up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or hiding our true selves.”

— Brene Brown

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What Keeps You Hooked?

1. The Hope for Change

Covert narcissists give false promises, just enough breadcrumbs of change, to keep you in the relationship. They might suddenly be attentive, apologize profusely, or make a grand gesture. But this isn’t growth, it’s a tactic.

Therapy can help you differentiate between real change and manipulative promises. True growth involves consistent actions over time, not temporary efforts to keep you from leaving. When actions don’t match words, it is manipulation.

2. Fear of Being Alone

The belief “I’ll never find anyone better” is another powerful belief that keeps you stuck. Covert narcissists may even reinforce this by subtly eroding your confidence over time.

A client once shared, "I start to feel like I'm constantly second-guessing myself, like I'm never doing enough or saying the right thing. They make comments that make me feel small, but at first, I thought it was just me being sensitive. They make me feel like everything I do or feel is wrong. I never used to feel this insecure, but now it's like I’m always walking on eggshells."

In therapy, we unpack where this belief originated. Often, it stems from early experiences (yes, childhood) where your worth felt conditional or tied to others’ approval. But, I had a great childhood? I hear this all the time. You may have had a great childhood but were your emotional needs met?

3. Guilt and Obligation

Covert narcissists are masters at flipping the script, making you feel responsible for their unhappiness. If you’ve ever thought, “I can’t leave; they’ll fall apart without me,” know this is a manipulation tactic, not a reflection of reality. The classic guilt trip. They want to keep you in a position where you're emotionally tied to them, making you believe that if you leave, they will "fall apart" or be unable to cope.

They make you feel like you're the only one who can "fix" them. Over time, this can create doubt, you prioritize their well-being over your own, which can lead to self-sacrifice and, ultimately, emotional exhaustion.

Therapy can teach you how to set internal boundaries and prioritize your well-being without carrying the emotional weight of someone else’s choices. Internal boundaries with a narcissist means learning to protect your own emotions and values, so even when they try to manipulate or guilt-trip you, you don’t let it affect your sense of self or control how you respond. If you don’t know what internal boundaries are click this link to read more about it.

How Therapy Helps You Break Free

Working with a trauma-informed therapist (like me!), especially someone who understands covert narcissists false promises, can be life-changing. Here’s how:

1. Recognizing the Cycle

Therapy helps you identify the patterns of manipulation and false promises. For example, instead of focusing on what your partner says, we shift your attention to what they consistently do.

“They keep saying they’ll go to therapy, but never schedule an appointment. What does that tell you about their commitment to change?”

2. Rebuilding Your Core Beliefs

We work on transforming “I don’t deserve love” into “I deserve love that is safe, consistent, and fulfilling.” Through this process, you learn to value yourself enough to walk away from toxic relationships.

2. Setting Internal Boundaries

What does this mean? It means learning to protect your emotional space even when your partner tries to push your buttons or manipulate you. Internal boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they're about protecting your peace and staying true to your values.

It sounds like telling yourself, "I don’t have to absorb their mood," or "I can choose not to engage in their drama."

I’ll help you develop the strength to maintain your sense of self, regardless of what’s happening around you, so you can navigate these dynamics without losing yourself.

4. Reclaiming Your Voice

Living with a covert narcissist can make you feel like you've lost touch with who you truly are. In therapy, we'll work together to rebuild your confidence and help you trust your inner voice again. You deserve to be heard, to trust yourself, and to stand strong in your truth, this is your journey to reclaiming your power.

The Truth About Growth: What It Is and Isn’t

What Growth Isn’t

• Temporary changes that fade when the pressure is off.

• Promises without action.

• Shifting blame to you or someone/something else.

What Growth Is

• Acknowledging harmful behavior without deflecting.

• Taking consistent, measurable steps to improve.

• Demonstrating respect for your boundaries and feelings.

“You deserve more than empty words.”

— Your Therapist

A Life Beyond False Promises

Breaking free from the grip of a covert narcissist’s false promises isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely possible, and therapy can be your most powerful tool. Imagine this:

• Waking up without the constant anxiety of walking on eggshells.

• Rediscovering hobbies, friendships, and goals that bring you joy.

• Building a relationship with yourself that’s based on love and respect.

You deserve a life that isn’t tied to someone else’s manipulation. You deserve love that is real, reciprocal, and safe. But Mariah… I don’t even know what that is! That’s where therapy can help.

Why Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in Pittsburgh Matters

Many individuals ask, ‘How do I recover from narcissistic abuse in Pittsburgh?’ Understanding how covert narcissists operate is the first step to breaking their cycle. Click here to learn more about Narcissistic Abuse Therapy.

Are you ready to break free from the cycle of false promises?

If you're feeling stuck in a cycle of broken promises and emotional manipulation, it’s so important to work with a therapist who truly understands the dynamics of covert narcissism. If you’re not sure if your partner has these traits keep reading more of my blog by clicking here. Ready to break free from covert narcissistic control? Schedule a consultation for narcissistic abuse recovery in Pittsburgh and start reclaiming your life.

As a trauma-informed therapist, I’ll help you uncover the core beliefs that keep you trapped in these unhealthy patterns, like the feeling that you’re not worthy of true love or respect. If you’re feeling trapped by false promises, a trauma-informed counselor in Pittsburgh can help you recognize covert manipulation and regain your independence. You deserve better, and with the right support, we can make it happen. Click here to start your healing journey today.

How can I tell if a covert narcissist is using false promises to keep me hooked?

Covert narcissists often show just enough effort to make it seem like they’re changing, like agreeing to attend couples or individual therapy or momentarily changing a problematic behavior, but these “improvements” rarely last. Over time, you’ll notice a pattern: plenty of promises, few lasting results, and a sense that you’re still walking on eggshells. If their words consistently fail to match their actions, it’s a key sign you’re dealing with false promises (and manipulation).

Why do I keep believing a covert narcissist’s promises, even though they never truly change?

Emotional investment, fear of being alone, and beliefs about not deserving real love can make you cling to hope. Covert narcissists use these insecurities, through guilt, obligation, and occasional kindness to convince you that “next time” will be different. Recognizing these patterns, and understanding where they come from, that can help you break free.

Is it possible for a covert narcissist to genuinely change, or are all their promises just manipulation?

While anyone can change with genuine effort, covert narcissists rarely show consistent, sustained growth. They can offer temporary improvements that quickly fade once they feel secure in keeping you close. Real change involves accountability, true empathy, and long-term effort. If you’re seeing excuses, backpedaling, or blaming others, it’s likely manipulation rather than authentic change.

How can therapy help me stop falling for a covert narcissist’s false promises?

A trauma-informed therapist who specializes in understanding narcissism or toxic relationships can help you recognize the manipulation cycle, identify the core beliefs that keep you stuck, and rebuild your self-worth. Through therapy, you learn to set internal boundaries, trust your instincts, and differentiate between real growth and empty words. This support helps you to protect your emotional well-being and make decisions aligned with your own values and needs.

What steps can I take to rebuild my life after ending a relationship with a covert narcissist?

Recovery involves reconnecting with your own identity, rediscovering what brings you joy, and learning how to trust yourself again. Therapy helps you challenge your negative core beliefs, develop healthy relationship expectations, and set stronger boundaries. Over time, you learn to reclaim your voice, build your self-esteem, and create a life free from emotional manipulation and false promises.

5 Signs of Being in a Toxic Relationship and How to Leave - Start Healing Today

signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave

Let me guess: You’re the kind of person who has their life together. You’ve got a successful career, a great circle of friends, and you’re self-aware enough to know when something’s off. But for some reason, when it comes to your relationships, you keep finding yourself in the same toxic patterns. You know something isn’t quite right, but you can’t figure out why you’re still stuck. Trust me, you’re not alone.

As a trauma therapist specializing in signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave, I work with high-achieving individuals just like you who are confused about why they end up in these unhealthy dynamics. Whether it's with a partner, friend, or family member, the emotional toll of toxic relationships can feel like you’re stuck in a loop. But here’s the thing: the fact that you’re aware of the issue is half the battle. Now, it’s time to really understand why and break free.

In this article, we’ll go over 5 clear signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave. I’ll also provide you with practical steps to start healing today.

You Feel Like You’re Constantly Walking on Eggshells

signs of being in a toxic relationship and how to leave

I get it. It’s exhausting. You might feel like no matter what you say or do, it’s the wrong thing. You’re always second-guessing yourself and wondering if your words or actions are going to set off an emotional bomb. This is one of the clearest signs of being in a toxic relationship.

Why This Happens

Often, when we’re dealing with emotional manipulation or gaslighting (where your reality is consistently questioned), we start to doubt our own instincts. It's like living in a fog where you can't trust your own emotions, and it’s even harder to speak up for yourself. In my work with clients, I’ve seen this dynamic play out repeatedly. For example, one client came to me saying, "I just feel like I can never say the right thing. If I express my feelings, it always turns into a fight."

How to Leave

Set Clear Boundaries. Start by identifying what behaviors make you feel unsafe or unsupported, and then calmly express these boundaries to your partner. Boundaries are an act of self-respect, and while they may initially feel uncomfortable, they’re essential for creating a healthier relationship.

Trust Your Feelings. Your feelings are valid. Trust them. You don’t need to rationalize or explain them away to someone who dismisses them.

You Feel Drained and Emotionally Exhausted After Spending Time Together

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your partner feeling emotionally drained, like you have nothing left to give? Healthy relationships should recharge you, not leave you feeling like you’ve been in a constant emotional battle.

I had a client, a highly successful executive, who used to feel like she needed a nap every time she spent time with her boyfriend. “It’s like I’m giving so much of myself to him and receiving nothing back. I don’t have the energy to focus on myself or my career anymore.”

Why This Happens:

In toxic relationships, one partner often drains the other emotionally, either by being overly needy, critical, or manipulative. You’re giving so much of yourself in hopes of keeping the peace, and eventually, it takes a toll.

How to Leave:

Prioritize Self-Care. If you find yourself exhausted after spending time with your partner, make sure you’re recharging your batteries. Take time for your hobbies, exercise, meditate, or just hang out with friends who fill you up.

Create Emotional Space. Recognize that it’s okay to need space for yourself. It doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you a person who knows how to protect their emotional health.

You Keep Making Excuses for Their Bad Behavior

If you’ve found yourself saying things like, “They’re just having a bad day,” or “They didn’t mean it that way,” more times than you can count, you're probably overlooking a deeper issue. This kind of rationalizing is a classic sign of being in a toxic relationship.

I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with who, despite being intelligent, successful, and emotionally aware, still find themselves excusing their partner’s bad behavior. One client said to me, “I know he’s been critical lately, but I think it’s just because his work is stressful. He’s always been a good partner when things are calm.”

Why This Happens

This is where trauma bonding comes into play. When you’ve been in a relationship with intermittent highs and lows, your brain can become addicted to the “good” moments, which makes you ignore the bad ones. It’s like a drug—it feels good for a second, but it’s ultimately harmful.

How to Leave:

Get Honest with Yourself. Start noticing the pattern: every time your partner acts in a way that feels off, stop and ask yourself if it’s really excusable. Be radically honest about what behaviors you’re willing to tolerate.

Seek Therapy.. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you break the cycle of rationalizing bad behavior and see the relationship for what it really is.

You Feel Like You’ve Lost Yourself in the Relationship

I’ve seen this time and time again. You’re so invested in the relationship that you stop focusing on your own needs, wants, and values. Instead of growing together, you find yourself shrinking, losing the parts of you that used to bring you joy.

One client, who had spent years in a controlling relationship, came to me feeling like a shell of herself. “I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. All I do is try to keep him happy. I’ve forgotten what I even want from life.”

Why This Happens

In toxic relationships, one person often exerts control or manipulation, leaving the other person to constantly accommodate their needs. Over time, this suppresses your individuality and leaves you feeling disconnected from your true self.

How to Leave:

Reclaim Your Identity. It’s time to reconnect with the things that bring you joy, whether it’s a hobby, a career goal, or even a new friendship. Take time for yourself, and allow yourself to grow outside of the relationship.

Set Personal Goals. Reassess your goals outside of the relationship. What do you want for yourself? Make time to work toward these goals.

You Constantly Feel Like You’re Not Enough

This one hits hard, especially for high-achieving individuals. If you feel like no matter how much you give, how hard you try, or how much you sacrifice, it’s never enough for your partner, you’re likely in a toxic relationship.

One client of mine, a driven entrepreneur, shared this with me: “I feel like I’m never good enough for him. No matter what I do, he always finds something wrong. It’s like I can’t ever measure up.”

Why This Happens

Toxic partners often use criticism or emotional neglect to undermine your self-worth. If you’ve been criticized or invalidated repeatedly, you may start to internalize the belief that you’re not good enough, even though that’s far from the truth.

How to Leave

Practice Self-Love. You have to start with recognizing your own worth. This means practicing self-compassion, affirming your own value, and setting clear boundaries with people who make you feel small.

Stop People-Pleasing. Learn to say no without guilt. You don’t have to cater to someone else’s needs at the expense of your own.

Signs of Being in a Toxic Relationship and How to Leave

If you're feeling stuck and unsure how to leave a toxic relationship, you're not alone. Recognizing the signs of being in a toxic relationship is the first step toward reclaiming your peace and happiness. Whether it's constant emotional exhaustion, losing yourself, or feeling unworthy, these patterns can often be traced back to unresolved trauma. Understanding how trauma impacts relationships is key to breaking the cycle and creating healthy connections moving forward.

By setting clear internal boundaries, practicing self-care, and embracing your worth, you can begin the journey of healing from both trauma and toxic relationships. It’s not easy, but it is possible to transform the way you engage with others and with yourself.

Taking action might feel overwhelming, but remember, you're not in this alone. As a trauma therapist specializing in toxic relationships, I help high-achieving individuals like you untangle the confusion, address underlying trauma, and create lasting change. Start by identifying the toxic behaviors in your life and reach out for support—because you deserve to thrive in healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Ready to leave the cycle behind? Take the first step toward freedom today and let go of the trauma-based relationship patterns that no longer serve you. Your journey to a healthier, happier you starts now.

Schedule a FREE 15 minute phone call with me or book your first appointment directly through the button below.

Spotting Unhealthy Relationships: Holiday Edition

Navigating holiday stress in unhealthy relationships.

Key Highlights

• Unhealthy relationships can dampen the holiday cheer, creating stress and conflict.

• Recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is crucial, especially during high-stress periods like holidays.

• Overly critical communication, possessiveness, disrespect, and controlling behavior are red flags.

• Prioritizing your mental health and well-being is essential, even during the holidays.

• Remember, you deserve to enjoy the holidays in a healthy and supportive relationship.

Introduction

The holidays…full of twinkling lights, hot cocoa, and family gatherings, right? Well, for some, it’s more like trying to decorate a Christmas tree with broken ornaments and tangled lights… stressful, messy, and a reminder that everything’s not as shiny as it seems. If you’re stuck in an unhealthy relationship, the season’s "cheer" can feel like emotional whiplash, leaving you drained and doubting yourself. The happy songs? They’re just masking the real issues, like when you're pretending the tree looks great, but deep down you know it’s missing half the branches. That's why taking care of your mental health during the holidays isn’t just a nice idea—it’s essential. Let’s talk about how to navigate the season without letting the emotional stress take over.

What does an unhealthy relationship look like?

The holidays can be confusing and cause relationship tension.

Picture this: you’re putting up a Christmas tree, thinking it’s going to be a fun tradition, but then you realize the tree’s too wobbly, half the lights don’t work, and you’re arguing over who put the ornaments in the wrong storage bin. Instead of decking the halls with joy, you’re stuck in a cycle of frustration, doubt, and exhaustion. That’s pretty much the sign of an unhealthy relationship—constant criticism, trust issues, and a feeling like you’re trapped in a loop you can’t escape from.

When gaslighting, manipulation, control, or disrespect start running the show, it’s like trying to decorate a tree without a proper base—everything just keeps falling apart. And guess what? These are red flags, not just things you can ‘work through’ on your own. The emotional exhaustion, the anxiety, and that overwhelming sense of being drained? Those are the consequences of ignoring the signs that something is off.

As a therapist, I often see clients come in describing relationships where communication is a game of "guess what I’m thinking," and power dynamics feel like someone is always in charge. It’s like decorating the tree, but only one person picks the decorations and tells everyone else how it’s going to look. It’s exhausting, and honestly, it’s not how a healthy partnership should work.

The key here is recognizing those warning signs early—before you’re too tangled up in the lights and stressed out by the mess. It’s okay to step back and re-evaluate. Self-care and setting boundaries aren’t just buzzwords—they’re your ticket out of the disconnection. You deserve to be in relationships that lift you up, not tear you down. And if you’re feeling stuck, reaching out for help—whether it’s a therapist or trusted people in your life—is the first step to reclaiming your peace and emotional well-being. Because, just like the holidays, you deserve a relationship that feels warm, comforting, and full of joy—not one that leaves you feeling tangled in lights and frustrated.

The role of holiday stress & how it heightens relationship issues

Ah, the holidays—the season where you’re supposed to feel all cozy and festive, but instead, you end up battling stress, unrealistic expectations, and, let’s be honest, probably the worst arguments of the year while trying to put up the Christmas tree. If you’ve ever tried to string lights on a tree with a partner who just can’t agree on the best way to do it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The holiday season is like a magnifying glass for relationship issues, amplifying everything you’ve been trying to sweep under the rug. Stress, unmet expectations, financial pressure, and the constant juggling of responsibilities can really test the foundation of even the healthiest relationships. And if your relationship has already been struggling, it’s like tossing a Christmas tree topper onto an already unstable tree—things can crash and burn pretty quickly.

Here's how holiday stress tends to escalate issues, and trust me, I see it firsthand in sessions with clients.

The Pressure to be Perfect

Holiday expectations can set off a pressure cooker in any relationship. You’re trying to make everything look like a Hallmark movie—perfect tree, perfect dinner, perfect everything. But when things inevitably don’t go as planned (hello, burnt cookies and tree lights that won't work), frustration builds. Clients often talk about snapping at their partner over something minor, which is really just the straw that broke the camel's back. As a therapist, I help clients see that it's not about the tree—it's about the unmet expectations that pile up like a snowbank, and we need to take a step back to manage those before they blow up.

Financial Strain and Stress

Money. During the holidays, it's a big one. Maybe it’s buying gifts, paying for travel, or just trying to keep up with the relentless consumerism, but the financial pressure can start to impact any relationship. I’ve worked with clients who are fighting about budgeting for presents or arguing over who pays for what at family dinners. It’s not really about the money—it’s the stress and how each person handles it differently. Therapy can help you break down these stressors, set boundaries around spending, and find ways to communicate openly about financial worries before they turn into full-blown conflict.

Navigating Family Dynamics

If your family is anything like most, the holidays are prime time for tension to rise. Maybe it’s the passive-aggressive comments from your mom, or your partner’s weird relationship with their uncle. The blend of familial pressure and romantic relationship stress creates a perfect storm. I often hear clients talk about feeling like they have to choose sides or navigate awkward situations that leave them emotionally drained. I help my clients work through these dynamics by setting boundaries, managing expectations, and learning how to communicate their needs without feeling guilty. Because everyone should be able to enjoy the holiday season without getting emotionally sucked into a family drama black hole.

So, while it may feel like holiday stress is trying to take over your relationship (like a rogue holiday light strand that just won’t stay put), remember, it’s not the end of the world. With some clarity, better communication, and a little extra self-care, you can make it through the season—and maybe even come out stronger on the other side.

What does an unhealthy relationship look like during the holidays?

Well, for those in unhealthy relationships, it often feels more like surviving than thriving. From a therapist's perspective, here’s what I see during this festive time: couples fighting over holiday plans, who's hosting Christmas dinner, or even the right way to hang lights on the tree (trust me, it’s a thing). Throw in the pressure to make everything perfect, and suddenly, everything feels like an argument waiting to happen. Maybe one partner feels left out or unappreciated, or worse—feeling excluded at family gatherings while their partner is chumming it up with the in-laws. And let’s not forget the lack of “holiday cheer”—instead of cozying up and making gingerbread cookies, one partner is on edge, emotionally checked out, or hiding in the bathroom for a break. As a therapist, I help clients pinpoint the real issues—whether it’s unmet expectations, past hurts, or lack of communication—and help them set boundaries, talk through the tension, and prioritize their mental well-being. Because let’s be real, the only thing you should be stressed about is whether you’re putting up the tree before or after the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.

Increased arguments and conflict over holiday plans

When the magic of decorating the Christmas tree quickly turns into World War III over whether to go to your mom's house or your partner's family. I see this in my sessions all the time. The pressure to make the holidays “perfect” can turn simple decisions into full-blown battles. Do you travel or stay home? Who does the shopping? Where are the in-laws celebrating this year?

In unhealthy relationships, these decisions aren't opportunities for collaboration or compromise—they're power struggles, with each partner trying to control the outcome. The lack of flexibility or willingness to meet in the middle only fuels the conflict, leaving both partners frustrated, emotionally drained, and wondering if they’ll even make it to Christmas dinner without another argument. So how does therapy help? I help clients unpack these power struggles, recognize when unhealthy patterns are showing up, and teach them how to set boundaries and communicate better before the stress of the holidays breaks them. You deserve that, and we can make it happen.

Feeling isolated or excluded during family gatherings

You’re supposed to be sipping eggnog and singing carols, but instead, you're sitting in the corner, silently wondering if anyone even knows you're there. I see this a lot in my sessions: one partner feels left out, sidelined, or even intentionally excluded, while the other is in the thick of family interactions, oblivious to the emotional isolation happening right next to them. This kind of emotional neglect is often a red flag in unhealthy relationships and can be a tactic used by more controlling or abusive partners to isolate their significant other, leaving you feeling rejected. When this feeling of being an outsider continues, it makes you feel like shit, you build an emotional wall, and you start to feel resentment. I help my clients unpack these feelings, identify the unhealthy dynamics at play, and work on improving communication and boundaries so that both partners feel seen and valued—even during the chaos of family gatherings. It’s all about finding a balance, so you don’t have to wonder if you’re invisible, even when there’s a tree full of lights in front of you.

How does disrespect from an unhealthy relationship impact your holiday spirit?

Struggling with holiday conflicts in a troubled relationship.

Nothing kills the holiday vibe faster than constant disrespect, especially from the person you're supposed to be closest to. Imagine putting up a Christmas tree, trying to get into the holiday spirit, only for your partner to drop passive-aggressive comments about your decorations, your choices, or your ability to “ruin everything.” I often hear clients say they feel drained by negativity and tension, where every little disagreement turns into a major conflict, leaving them with a heavy heart instead of holiday cheer. The emotional pain builds, and suddenly, the holidays become something to dread instead of enjoy.

So, what can you do? Start by setting clear boundaries (yes, you can tell them to cut it out), communicate openly about how their behavior is affecting you, and prioritize your mental health. You deserve to enjoy the holidays without the cloud of disrespect hanging over your head. So, let’s talk about how to turn that festive cheer back on by creating healthier relationship dynamics that let you celebrate you, too.

How can negative interactions dampen holiday cheer?

In an unhealthy relationship, the only thing that gets “decorated” is the tension. I often see clients who feel like they’re walking on eggshells just to avoid triggering their partner. Instead of sitting in the warm glow of twinkling lights and the smell of pine, they’re stuck in a loop of constant arguments and emotional turmoil. This kind of negativity can suck the life out of the season faster than you can say “holiday meltdown.” Trust me, I’ve heard it all in session: from avoiding certain conversations to feeling isolated during family gatherings. The holidays should feel like a cozy, safe space, not a battleground. So, here’s the truth: if you’re constantly tiptoeing around conflict or dealing with disrespect, it’s time to take a step back and focus on your mental health. You deserve a holiday season full of joy, not anxiety. And yes, that means setting boundaries, speaking up, and maybe even asking for professional help to get through it.

What are the effects on mental health and well-being during the festive season?

Those picture-perfect moments of twinkling lights, cozy nights, and... internal chaos if you're in an unhealthy relationship. Let’s face it, the pressure to put on a happy face while you're navigating emotional explosions with your partner can make even the thought of putting up a Christmas tree feel exhausting. What should be a time of joy often turns into a countdown of survival. Clients often share they are battling anxiety, stress, or even resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance use to numb the emotional chaos that the holidays bring. And let’s not forget the guilt of not matching those festive expectations, which only worsens the mental fog. Meanwhile, the contrast between the idealized holiday "cheer" and the emotional mess behind closed doors? It's like trying to decorate a Christmas tree with broken ornaments—it's not going to look pretty. Listen, your mental health matters, even when everyone else is posting "perfect holiday family pics" on Instagram. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, sad, or stuck in a toxic relationship, take a moment to check in with yourself and seek support. Whether it’s a helpline or a therapist (hello, that's me!), taking care of you is the best gift you can give yourself this season.

Conclusion

Let’s be real: unhealthy relationships can suck the joy out of the holiday season faster than a cat knocking over your Christmas tree. And no, it’s not just "holiday stress" when you’re arguing over which relative to visit or who’s responsible for the turkey. If you’re feeling constantly drained, excluded, or like you're walking on eggshells, that’s not just a bad holiday—it’s a sign that deeper issues are at play. Here’s where it gets tricky: while the holiday season may give you a chance to try and work things out, it’s also a perfect time to address the deeper stuff that’s been coming through as passive-aggressive comments. The truth? Open communication and setting boundaries are your best friends here (even if you're tempted to throw a tinsel-covered tantrum). Remember, your well-being should always be the priority, and if you’re starting to see more red flags, it’s time to ask for help.

If this post resonates with you, I’ve been in your shoes, which is exactly why I specialize in helping people like you navigate these tricky relationship dynamics. Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consult, or if you already feel like I’m the right therapist for you, let’s get your first session on the calendar today. You don’t have to go through this alone—I’m here to help you unpack, heal, and build something better.

Frequently Asked Questions

What makes holiday conflicts different from regular disputes in a relationship?

Holiday conflicts aren’t just your regular “who left the dirty socks on the floor” kind of argument—they’re on steroids, thanks to stress, expectations, and all those holiday “perfect moments” we’re supposed to create. Couples come in and suddenly the tree decorating feels like a battle zone. Why? Because all that pressure to get everything just right—whether it's spending time with family or picking the right gift—makes the issues in the relationship so much bigger. The habits that usually get brushed under the rug (like avoiding real conversations or not meeting each other’s emotional needs) show up, and before you know it, you're fighting over things that aren’t even about the holidays. So, yeah, those “holiday arguments” are actually showing deeper issues that just get highlighted when you're under pressure. The holidays bring out the real stuff, which is why it’s essential to address it before you end up decorating the tree in complete silence.

Can the holidays actually help improve a troubled relationship?

Surprisingly, the holidays can improve a troubled relationship, but only if you're not too busy arguing over whose family you're visiting or what color to decorate the tree this year. The holiday season can act like a mirror, showing you exactly where things are off in your relationship. But it can also be a golden opportunity to actually do something about it. How? Through good ol' communication and emotional support, of course. That means both partners need to be ready to listen, understand, and maybe even do a little emotional work—especially when unmet needs have been piling up like holiday shopping. I’ve seen couples in my practice who use the holiday stress to finally have those tough conversations and reconnect on a deeper level. So, while it might feel like you're walking through a holiday nightmare, with the right tools (and willingness to change), you can actually come out stronger and more in tune with each other.

How can one cope with holiday stress in an already strained relationship?

Listen, if you have a strained relationship, the holidays can feel like you're adding 100-pound weights to your back while trying to put lights on the roof. But here's the deal: self-care and boundaries are your best friends right now. Saying “no” to that endless list of holiday parties, family events, or any situation that gives you the ick is not only okay, it’s necessary. You don’t need to put yourself in the line of emotional fire just because it’s December. If you’re dealing with emotional abuse or feel like you’re drowning in stress, this is where you absolutely need to reach out—whether it’s a therapist (like me!) or a trusted friend who can help you get through that mess. Trust me, setting boundaries now will save you a world of pain later. Your mental health is the best gift you can give yourself, and it’s time to stop pretending like it’s not.

Expert Advice for Navigating Confusing Relationships

Key Highlights

• Feeling confused in your relationship is more common than you know. It usually comes from insecurities, problems with talking to each other, and different expectations.

• It is important to see the signs of a trauma bond. These can trap you in bad habits.

• Setting clear boundaries is needed for a healthy relationship. This helps both partners feel safe and respected.

• Talking openly is key to solving confusion. It helps you understand each other's needs and find a common ground.

• Sometimes, getting help from a professional is the best way to sort out complex emotions and create a better relationship.

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Understanding the Dynamics of Confusing Relationships

Confusing relationships are like trying to bake cookies without a recipe, you think you’re doing fine until you pull out a tray of burnt blobs and wonder where it all went wrong. One moment, things are sweet; the next, you’re left with a mess and a lingering question: “What am I doing wrong here?” Spoiler: It’s probably not just you. These relationships often lack clarity, often feel inconsistent, and may not provide emotional security. This confusion can happen for many reasons, including the flaws in communication, wrong expectations, or old relationship pains that come back to affect us now.

Here’s the tea: relationships get messy for a lot of reasons. Maybe the communication feels like a game of charades (“They said they’re fine, but now they’re giving me the silent treatment?”). Maybe the expectations are out of whack (“Why do I have to text first every single time?”). Or maybe those old emotional wounds you’ve been ignoring are creeping into your current relationship and stirring up chaos. To begin solving this confusion, we need to find out why it exists.

As a therapist, I hear this all the time. One client told me, “I feel like I’m always second-guessing what they mean, but then I wonder if I’m just being too sensitive.” Boom. There it is: the perfect storm of self-doubt, overthinking, and emotional ping-pong.

Here’s the truth: the confusion doesn’t start with them, it starts inside. If you’re not clear on who you are, what you want, and what you deserve, it’s easy to get caught up in drama that doesn’t need to exist. Low self-esteem and unresolved hurts? They’ll turn a simple misunderstanding into a full-blown existential crisis. (“Why didn’t they like my Instagram story? Do they even like me?”)

The first step to cutting through the confusion? We dig into the why. Why are you questioning yourself? Why do you feel unsteady in your relationship? And why are you caught in a cycle that leaves you doubting your worth? These aren’t easy questions, but we have to explore them to break free from the constant swirl of doubt and drama.

You deserve clarity, stability, and love that doesn’t feel like a constant guessing game. Let’s talk about how to get you there, because life’s too short to be stuck wondering if you’re the problem when the cookies don’t turn out right.

Why am I confused after communicating in my relationship?

Let’s be real: communication issues in relationships are like a bad Wi-Fi connection, messages get lost, signals are misread, and before you know it, you’re both frustrated. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and the oh-so-fun buildup of resentment don’t just appear out of nowhere. They thrive in the silence where honest conversations should be. A communication breakdown causes a lot of confusion in a romantic relationship. It l

As a therapist, I hear it all the time: “I don’t know why they don’t get it. I mean, I hinted at how I felt, but they didn’t do anything.” Meanwhile, their partner is over there like, “Hinted? I’m not a mind reader!” And that, my friends, is how the chaos begins. Good communication needs listening, empathy, and a desire to understand each other. It also means creating a safe space where both people feel okay to share without fear of being judged or ignored. The only way to fix communication problems is to face them directly.

Good communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about being heard. That means both partners need to listen (without plotting their next comeback), practice empathy (“Oh, so that’s why they’re mad”), and create a space where nobody’s afraid to speak up. You know, a space free from eye rolls and defensive walls. Because if you’re walking on eggshells or holding in your true feelings to “keep the peace,” that’s not peace, it’s repression with a side of resentment.

Fixing communication isn’t about dropping subtle hints or avoiding hard conversations. It’s about calling it out: “Hey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. Can we talk about it?” Sure, it’s uncomfortable at first, but so is letting tension simmer until it boils over in a fight about dishes that’s not actually about dishes.

Here’s the thing: if you’re not aware of how you communicate, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Be open to feedback, even when it stings (yes, you interrupt sometimes). Practice active listening, even when you’d rather binge TikToks. And for the love of emotional growth, don’t just vent, share your actual feelings, needs, and concerns. This builds deeper understanding in your relationship.

Because when both of you show up ready to listen and actually try to understand each other? That’s when the real magic happens. And trust me, it’s way better than buffering in relationship limbo.

Is our relationship confusing because of mismatched expectations?

Everyone walks into a relationship with their own expectations, and most of the time, those expectations are about as compatible as pineapple on pizza (controversial, I know). These ideas come from past experiences, family values, and what you think love should look like. The problem? Your partner has their own playbook, and it’s probably not the same as yours.When these expectations do not match, it can cause problems and confusion.

Take this for example: one client told me, “I don’t get why they don’t prioritize spending time with me. That’s how I feel loved.” Meanwhile, their partner chimed in with, “But I washed your car and fixed the sink! That’s me showing love!” Cue the confusion. Both were giving 110%, but neither felt appreciated. Why? Because their expectations were in two completely different love languages.

Also, society’s views on relationships can make things even more complicated. Social media and rom-coms sell us these picture-perfect, love-at-first-sight relationships with grand gestures and no arguments. But in real life? Love is messy, people are flawed, and no one’s serenading you in the rain unless you’re paying them. The gap between what we dream of and what relationships really look like can leave us feeling disappointed, frustrated, and maybe a little confused.

So, how do we fix it? First, we get real about what you actually need in a relationship versus what you think you should want. I help clients navigate this by asking questions like, “What feels non-negotiable to you? What would make you feel seen, supported, and loved?”

It’s also about clear communication. This means sitting down and saying, “Hey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. What’s something I can do that would make you feel loved?” Is it awkward? Sometimes. Is it worth it? Always. Relationships thrive on clarity and flexibility. Being open about what you need, and being willing to compromise, can transform “constant arguments” into “working together as a team.”

Let go of the unspoken rules and fairy tale fantasies. Instead, let’s build relationships on understanding, honesty, and shared reality. Because real love isn’t about meeting some unrealistic checklist, it’s about showing up, growing together, and finding joy in the beautifully imperfect connection you create.

Recognizing a Trauma Bond in Your Relationship

Let’s talk about trauma bonds, the sneaky little gremlins of toxic relationships. Sometimes, confusion in a relationship comes from a deeper issue called a trauma bond. These aren’t your average emotional attachments; they’re more like being stuck on a rollercoaster that only goes from really good to really awful with no stops in between. One day, you’re showered with love and affection (cue the love-bombing). The next, you’re walking on eggshells, bracing for the hurt. It’s addictive, it’s confusing, and it keeps you locked in a loop of hope and heartbreak.

As a therapist, I’ve seen it firsthand. One client said to me, “They’re not always bad. When it’s good, it’s amazing—like they really see me. But when it’s bad, I feel like I can’t breathe.” That’s the pull of a trauma bond: the highs are intoxicating, but the lows leave you questioning your worth and your reality. And this is where we become unhealthily attached to someone who acts harmfully, this is the cycle of abuse.

This isn’t about being weak or “stupid” for staying. Trauma bonds are a natural response to a toxic situation. Your brain gets hooked on the dopamine from the “good moments,” making it harder to walk away from the chaos. Add in the shame of thinking, “Why can’t I just leave?” and it’s no wonder you feel stuck. To get out of a trauma bond, we need to see it for what it is.

Breaking free starts with seeing the cycle for what it is. In sessions, I help clients name it: “That’s not love. That’s a pattern designed to keep you confused and controlled.” Naming it takes the power away from the shame and puts it back in your hands. From there, we work on building the courage and support system you need to step off the rollercoaster.

And no, it’s not easy. But with the right tools and therapist—like learning about boundaries, recognizing your worth outside of their validation, and reconnecting with your own voice—it’s 100% possible. Breaking a trauma bond isn’t just about leaving the person; it’s about reclaiming you.

Because let’s be real: you deserve a love that feels steady, safe, and supportive—not one that keeps you questioning your sanity.

Strategies to Navigate Through Confusing Times

Relationships can be messy, confusing, and downright exhausting. If you’re stuck wondering, “What’s happening here?” moments, it’s time to take a breath and understand why this is happening. The cure for relationship confusion isn’t found in vague assumptions or passive-aggressive comments—it’s in honest conversations and intentional action.

In my sessions, I often hear things like, “I don’t get why we’re always fighting, but I’m scared to bring it up. What if it just makes things worse?” Meanwhile, their partner might be sitting there, arms crossed, thinking, “If they would just tell me what’s wrong, we wouldn’t have these issues.” Sound familiar? That’s the confusion dance: no one’s talking honestly, everyone’s guessing, and clarity is nowhere to be found.

Fixing this starts with real, vulnerable communication. That means sitting down with your partner and saying, “Hey, I feel X when Y happens. Can we figure out what’s going on together?” And when they respond, actually listen—like, really listen. Not just to their words but to what they’re feeling. (Yes, even if their delivery is less than perfect.)

Healthy relationships aren’t magic—they’re work. They require effort on both sides to care for each other, understand each other’s needs, and navigate the messy stuff without bailing at the first sign of discomfort. And sometimes, getting through the messy stuff means calling in reinforcements.

This is where I step in as your outside perspective. I help clients identify what’s really going on beneath the surface—those unspoken fears, unmet needs, and underlying patterns that keep them stuck. Together, we break it down: What’s causing the disconnect? What needs aren’t being met? And how can we communicate those needs in a way that builds the relationship instead of walls?

So, if your relationship feels like it’s spinning in circles, start here: get honest, get curious, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Because the goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. And trust me, that’s worth the work.

What are clear boundaries?

Let’s talk about boundaries, shall we? These aren’t just rules for other people—they’re your way of saying, “Here’s how I protect my peace and stay sane.” Think of boundaries as the ultimate relationship GPS. Without them? You’re driving blind, and spoiler alert: that’s how you end up in Hurt Feelings Town or Confusion City.

As a therapist, I often hear clients say things like, “I told them I need more alone time, but they keep showing up unannounced. Am I asking for too much?” Nope, you’re not asking for too much—you’re just not being heard. And that’s where boundaries come in. They’re not about controlling anyone else; they’re about clearly defining what works for you and sticking to it like your emotional health depends on it (because it does).

Step one: figure out what’s non-negotiable for you. Is it respect? Honest communication? Quality time? Space to binge your favorite show alone without interruptions? Whatever it is, get clear on it. This is your personal rulebook for relationships.

Step two: communicate those boundaries to your partner. Yes, this might feel awkward, but clarity is your friend here. Try something like, “Hey, I need X to feel good in this relationship. How does that feel for you?” Clear, kind, and to the point. Bonus points if you throw in a little humor to keep it light.

Step three (and this one’s crucial): stand by those boundaries with love and patience. At first, it might feel weird, like you’re asking for too much or rocking the boat. But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re how you protect your emotional well-being and create space for a relationship that’s healthy and balanced.

In sessions, I help clients navigate this all the time. For example, one client struggled with their partner constantly canceling plans. We worked together to identify their boundary: “If you commit to plans, I need you to follow through. If something comes up, I need clear communication.” Once they communicated this boundary—and stuck to it—their relationship became less chaotic and way more respectful.

And yes, there’s a chance some people won’t respect your boundaries. When that happens, you have every right to walk away from situations that harm your emotional health. Because at the end of the day, boundaries aren’t just about keeping the wrong people out—they’re about letting the right people in.

So, go ahead. Get clear, get vocal, and protect your peace like the beautiful badass you are. Boundaries: they’re not just important—they’re essential.

Seeking Professional Help and Guidance

So back to backing cookies… when the recipe is missing half the steps and the measurements are written in a language you don’t speak, it’s confusing. One minute, everything feels sweet and perfect, and the next, you’re staring at a burnt mess thinking, “How did this happen?”

Enter therapy—the place where you can finally lay out all your ingredients (aka feelings) and figure out what’s going wrong with the recipe. A good therapist doesn’t just hand you a new set of instructions and call it a day. (Although I wish it were that simple.) Instead, we dig into what’s working, what’s not, and why your relationship keeps coming out more “oops” than “yum.”

For example, a client once said, “I keep trying to tell my partner how I feel, but it always turns into a fight. Now I just stay quiet.” That’s like leaving out the sugar because you’re afraid the cookies will be too sweet. Sure, you’re avoiding one problem, but now your cookies (and your relationship) are flat and unsatisfying. In therapy, we unpack the why behind the silence, practice how to speak up without starting a five-alarm fire, and add just the right amount of sweetness to the mix.

And if you’re stuck in something heavier—like a trauma bond—it’s like trying to bake with an oven that keeps exploding. Trauma bonds are toxic and confusing, but they’re also incredibly hard to walk away from because they’re built on highs and lows that feel addictive. Therapy helps you stop blaming yourself for the chaos, understand why you’re stuck, and start creating something nourishing instead of harmful.

Choosing therapy isn’t a sign you’ve failed—it’s the ultimate glow-up. It means you care enough about yourself to say, “I deserve better than burnt cookies and emotional whiplash.” And honestly, you do. So, let’s roll up our sleeves, sort through the ingredients, and bake up something worth savoring.

Conclusion

So, if your relationship feels like a batch of cookies that keeps burning or crumbling, it’s time to take a step back and get the clarity you need. You don’t have to keep blindly following that broken recipe. Set your boundaries, get the support you deserve, and, most importantly, prioritize your emotional health. You’re not stuck in a never-ending loop of confusion and hurt—help is out there, and you have the power to turn things around. Because, at the end of the day, you deserve a relationship that’s sweet, satisfying, and baked with the right ingredients. Let’s get you back to enjoying that fresh, warm batch of love and happiness.

Ready to take the first step toward a healthier relationship? Click the button below and let’s get to work. Trust me, I’ve been there too—which is exactly why I specialize in helping you sort through this mess. I’m here to help you find the clarity you’ve been searching for!

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you know if you're in a trauma bond?

Trauma bonds are like staying in a relationship where you’re constantly on an emotional rollercoaster—one minute things are great, full of love and affection, and the next, you’re dealing with hurtful behavior or emotional abuse. It’s confusing and exhausting, but somehow you keep finding yourself going back for more, justifying their actions or telling yourself it’ll get better. You feel stuck, like you can't leave even though you know something’s off.

Can a confusing relationship become healthy again?

Absolutely, but it’s not going to happen by just hoping for the best or waiting for a miracle. It takes honest conversations (even when it’s uncomfortable), hard work, and a mutual desire to grow together. Think of it like clearing out the clutter in your closet—you're going to have to deal with that pile of old stuff you’ve been avoiding, set some boundaries (no, your ex’s sweatshirt doesn't need to stay), and finally put things in order. That’s how we get to the hidden issues that have been festering in the relationship. Sometimes, a little extra help from a professional (yup, that’s me!) can give you the guidance you need to break old habits and create better communication.

What steps can I take to improve communication with my partner?

It’s not just about talking more—it’s about actually hearing each other. Start with active listening—really listening, not just planning your next argument while they’re talking. Show empathy, even if you're about ready to throw the remote at the TV. Then, practice sharing your needs and feelings clearly and kindly. I’ve had plenty of clients say, “I told them what I need!” but the way they said it was more like "screaming with a side of sarcasm," so let’s avoid that. If you’re still stuck, it might be time to bring in some professional help. I work with clients to untangle communication issues and help them learn to truly hear and understand each other.

Confusion Is a Decision: Why You’re Stuck in That Toxic Relationship

Let’s cut to the chase: if you’re feeling confused about your relationship, here’s the truth—it’s not really confusion. It’s avoidance, dressed up as indecision. And before you roll your eyes or click away, stick with me.

If you’re thriving in your career, friendships, and hobbies but somehow still stuck in a relationship that makes you want to scream into a pillow (daily), it’s not because you’re not smart enough to figure it out. It’s because your brain is working against you. Spoiler: this is probably a trauma bond, not “true love with complications.”

What’s a Trauma Bond Anyway?

A trauma bond is the toxic relationship version of a subscription you forgot to cancel—it keeps taking and taking while giving you just enough to stay hooked. Neuroscience backs this up:

• Dopamine: Those rare “good times” feel euphoric, tricking your brain into thinking they’re worth all the bad.

• Cortisol: The constant stress keeps you stuck in survival mode, unable to see clearly.

• Oxytocin: Those moments of closeness? They deepen your attachment, even when you knowbetter.

The cycle keeps you trapped, rationalizing why you should stay, even when every other part of your life screams, “You deserve better!”

Why Confusion Feels Safer

Confusion gives you a (false) sense of control. It’s easier to live in “I don’t know what to do” than to face the terrifying reality of making a big decision. Why?

• Parts of you are scared. Your inner child might fear rejection or abandonment.

• It feels familiar. If you grew up in chaos or unpredictability, your brain might associate that with love.

• It avoids change. Even a toxic “comfort zone” feels safer than the unknown.

3 Actionable Steps to Break the Cycle

Enough psycho-babble—how do you get unstuck? Let’s get to work:

1. Call Out the BS (with Compassion):

Take a hard look at the excuses you’re making for staying. Write them down. Then ask: “What part of me is scared to let go, and why?”

This isn’t about shaming yourself. It’s about understanding the wounded parts of you that are clinging to the relationship. These parts need validation, not judgment. Bonus: A therapist trained in IFS can help you dig even deeper.

2. Detach from the Drama (Emotionally, Not Just Physically):

Confusion thrives on emotional chaos. Start by grounding yourself:

• Practice deep breathing to calm your nervous system.

• Journal about what the relationship is actually giving you versus what you’re hoping it will give.

• Limit emotional interactions. When you’re feeling triggered, step back. Take a walk, call a friend, or binge a feel-good show.

Detach first emotionally—clarity follows.

3. Build a “Break Free” Squad:

Trauma bonds thrive in isolation. Tell trusted people what you’re going through. Join a support group. Or, if talking to humans feels like too much right now, find online communities where others share their stories.

Pro tip: A therapist (like me, perhaps?) can guide you in exploring your patterns, healing those inner wounds, and building a plan to move forward.

The Hard Truth (But Also the Good News)

Staying stuck isn’t about your intelligence or strength. It’s about how your brain has been wired and the parts of you that still need healing. But here’s the good news: breaking a trauma bond isn’t about one big leap. It’s about small, steady steps that build momentum over time.

Confusion may feel like a decision-free zone, but it’s really a quiet choice to stay in limbo. The power is in your hands—step out of the fog and into the clarity you deserve.

And hey, if you need someone in your corner for the messy, beautiful process of breaking free, therapy is a great place to start. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

How to Feel Your Feelings (Without Overthinking Them)

Ah, confusion. It's that nagging, familiar feeling that makes you question everything about your relationship, even though you're highly intelligent and self-aware. If you’re here reading this, it’s because you know you’re caught in that cycle of overthinking—where the mind spins in circles, analyzing and dissecting every moment. You’ve tried to think your way out of it, but here you are. Feeling stuck. Again.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about you being less smart. It’s not about missing the "right answer" or lacking some magical insight. It’s not even about the fact that you can see through the unhealthy dynamics, yet you’re still stuck. It’s a bit more complicated—and it has everything to do with your ability to feel your feelings.

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The Intellectual Trap: Why We Get Stuck in Confusion

As a highly self-aware person, you might believe that your ability to intellectualize your emotions should give you some sort of superpower to navigate relationships. But instead, it just keeps you stuck in the loop. You get lost in over-analyzing, justifying, or rationalizing things that don’t quite sit right. The problem isn’t that you’re not smart enough to get it—it’s that you’re trying to think your way out of feelings, when feelings need to be felt, not figured out.

You know what you’re supposed to do, yet somehow, you still can’t make the call. Why? Because feelings aren't problems to solve. They’re experiences to feel. And the more you try to think your way out of them, the more the confusion grows.

So how do you break this pattern and actually feel what’s going on inside?

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Step 1: Get Into Your Body

I get it, you’re probably rolling your eyes. “Really? The body? I’m not five years old.” But hear me out. Your brain can only do so much to process feelings. And guess what? It often messes with your emotions to the point of complete disconnection. The real work of processing emotions happens in the body, not the mind.

So here’s an experiment (yes, we’re going full-on therapist here). Take a moment right now to tune into your body. Go ahead and sit with your feet flat on the floor, close your eyes if you can, and pay attention to the physical sensations you’re experiencing. Don’t judge them or try to change them, just observe.

What’s happening in your chest? Tight? Open? Is your breathing shallow, or deep and steady? How about your stomach? Do you feel any knots there?

You’re not trying to label it as “good” or “bad”—you’re just gathering data. Think of yourself as a scientist who’s curious about what’s going on with you. What is your body trying to tell you right now?

The body is your emotional GPS. If you’ve been intellectualizing for too long, it’s time to reconnect with your body. You might notice that what felt confusing in your head is a lot clearer once you pay attention to your physical sensations.

Step 2: Don’t Try to Fix It (Yet)

I know you’re a fixer. You’re a problem-solver, and you probably have the perfect logical solution to every dilemma. But here's the thing: you can't fix your emotions by overthinking them. In fact, trying to "fix" feelings only makes things worse.

Feelings don't need to be fixed. They need to be processed. And that can’t happen when you’re trying to bulldoze through them. So when you start to feel the pressure to do something about your feelings, stop.

Sit with them. Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable. Don't rush to "fix" the situation. The more you try to force emotions away or find a way out of them, the more you reinforce the cycle of confusion.

Here’s an example: Let’s say you’ve had a disagreement with your partner. Your brain immediately starts creating scenarios and justifications: “I should’ve said this… if they just understood that… maybe I’m overreacting…” It’s a mental loop that keeps you trapped. Instead of fixing the problem, try to sit with the discomfort. Notice the thoughts, acknowledge them, but allow yourself the space to just feel what you’re feeling in that moment.

Step 3: Practice Mindfulness and Be Curious

The key to breaking free from confusion is mindfulness. Being curious about your experience, not judgmental. It’s about noticing your emotional state, observing it, and allowing it to be there.

Next time you're feeling conflicted or uncertain, try these three mindfulness principles:

• Beginner’s Mind: Approach the situation like you’ve never experienced it before. Let go of all the assumptions or expectations. How does it feel to just be with your emotions?

• Non-Judgment: Drop the labels. Instead of saying “This is awful,” describe the feeling. “I feel heavy in my chest. My thoughts are racing. My stomach is tight.” Let your language reflect curiosity, not criticism.

• Non-Striving: Don’t force anything. Let the emotions flow naturally. You don’t need to make them go away or change them immediately. Just allow them to exist without pressure.

Mindfulness brings you back into your body and teaches you how to be present with yourself.

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The Bottom Line: Stop Trying to Figure It All Out

Look, you’re not going to figure out everything all at once. Confusion is a sign that you're living in your head too much, trying to think your way out of a situation that your body already understands. But when you can step out of the intellectualization and drop into your body, the fog begins to lift.

So, the next time you feel stuck in a confusing relationship, remember: feelings are meant to be felt, not solved. Stop trying to outsmart them. Instead, get into your body, allow yourself to sit with what’s coming up, and practice being present.

Because as uncomfortable as it may feel, the more you allow yourself to feel, the clearer the path ahead will become.

Am I Confusing My Relationship or Is My Partner Narcissistic? A Trauma-Informed Look at Your Struggles

If you've been asking yourself whether you're stuck in a confusing relationship or if your partner is simply a full-blown narcissist (or a mix of both), you’re not alone. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can leave you feeling emotionally drained, constantly questioning yourself, and wondering if you’re the problem. Understanding narcissistic behavior in a relationship is key to recognizing whether you’re dealing with a toxic dynamic or if unresolved trauma is influencing your perception. Let’s break it down so you can stop second-guessing yourself.

As a trauma-informed therapist, I get it. Navigating relationships when you’ve been impacted by trauma (or have witnessed toxic behaviors) can make the whole "What’s going on here?" question even more complicated to answer. So let’s talk about it.

We will break it down in five simple questions that can help you determine if your relationship is as toxic as that one person you avoid at family gatherings (we all have one), or if you’re misreading your partner due to past wounds.

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1. Do You Feel Constantly Walked On or Invalidated?

Your brain is always scanning for danger—it’s a survival mechanism. If you often feel dismissed, unheard, or gaslit, your nervous system might be on high alert.

In a healthy relationship, both partners validate each other’s emotions. But in a narcissistic relationship, you might hear things like:

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “That never happened.”

This type of gaslighting makes you question reality and feeds dysregulated attachment patterns. If you’re constantly walking on eggshells, that’s a red flag.

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2. Does Your Partner Seem to Lack Empathy?

One of the biggest narcissist traits in relationships is a lack of empathy. A partner with narcissistic behaviors in a relationship often:

• Dismisses your feelings.

• Centers conversations around themselves.

• Struggles to take responsibility for their actions.

In narcissistic relationships, emotional validation is rare. Your emotions become an inconvenience rather than something that deserves acknowledgment. This emotional neglect can lead to anxious attachment style healing challenges, making it hard to trust your own feelings.

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3. Are You Walking on Eggshells, Avoiding Conflict?

If you feel like you can’t express yourself without triggering an argument, that’s a problem. How do narcissists act in a relationship? They often control through fear, making their partner feel responsible for keeping the peace.

Signs of narcissism in relationships include:

• Avoiding topics to prevent outbursts.

• Feeling anxious about their reactions.

• Constantly trying to “fix” things to avoid conflict.

If you’re constantly suppressing your feelings to avoid setting them off, that’s a sign of trauma-informed counseling being a necessary next step.

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4. Do You Feel Like You’re Always Giving, With Little to No Reciprocity?

A healthy relationship is a two-way street. But narcissists in relationships take, take, and take some more. They often:

• Expect constant praise and validation.

• Drain your energy without giving emotional support in return.

• Make everything about their needs while disregarding yours.

Healing from anxious attachment means recognizing when you’re overextending yourself. If you feel exhausted and unappreciated, it might be time to step back and reflect.

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5. Are You Second-Guessing Your Own Reality?

One of the most toxic narcissistic behaviors in a relationship is gaslighting, manipulating you into questioning what’s real.

If your partner constantly:

• Twists situations to make you feel guilty.

• Denies things they clearly said or did.

• Makes you feel like you’re “crazy” or imagining things.

Then you may be dealing with narcissist behavior in a relationship that is designed to control and destabilize you.

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So, What's the Verdict?

If you’ve been nodding along to most of these, you might be in a narcissistic relationship, or at the very least, a toxic dynamic that needs attention.

What to do next:

• Start researching therapy for narcissistic abuse.

• Explore trauma therapy near me options.

• Consider IFS therapy online to work through healing anxious attachment styles.

If you’re struggling with these patterns, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Online trauma therapy and EMDR therapy near me can help you rebuild your sense of self after a toxic relationship.

P.S. If your relationship makes you feel like you’re the only one in it, it might be time for a reality check. Just saying.

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How do I Find a Trauma Therapist Near Me?

Healing from narcissistic abuse, anxious attachment, and trauma takes time, but the right support can make all the difference. If you're looking for trauma therapy near me, consider working with a trauma-informed therapist specializing in:

IFS Therapy Pennsylvania & Online IFS Therapy
Therapists in Pittsburgh & Trauma Therapy Philadelphia
Narcissistic Abuse Therapy Near Me
EMDR Therapy Near Me for Trauma Healing

No matter what you’re facing, narcissism in relationships, anxious attachment, or emotional exhaustion—there is a way forward. You don’t have to stay stuck in the cycle. Healing is possible, and you deserve a safe, stable, and supportive relationship.

If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Google orTikTok for more educational tips & updates!

Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.

Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP